▶ Your Answer :
In the midst of societal development, people find themselves surrounded with communal issues. Recently, more and more people are questioning the existing perception of working with other persons by employee or running own business. Naturally, people growing different surroundings have different perceptions towards it. Many claiming that it is better to running own business, while others deem/ think demand otherwise. In my opinion, although both options represent meritorious points, without doubt, I would settle upon working by employee with other people because for me, people can enjoy working it has enjoyment by working with many people and they can get a chance to learn learning from others persons. (문장을 길게 쓰시려는 경향이 있는데 콤마가 많고, 깔끔하지 않은 문장이 길게만 늘어진다면 좋은 인상을 주기에는 무리가 있습니다. 차라리 좀 짧더라도 분명하게 의미를 전달하는 것이 낫겟습니다.)
To begin with, people who work for employer have an opportunity to enjoy their work life by talking and working with other coworkers. Usually. people People usually feel comfortable and joyful(,) when they people are with many different types of people. And this makes person more productive. For example, when we hold party, host invite people more and more. There are many reasons. One of the them is (본인이 제시하신 근거와 예시는 그리 큰 상관은 없어보입니다. 즐겁게 일을 할 수 있다 라고 하셨는데 그 문장을 support 하는 내용을 찾아보자면 “많은 사람과 함께 있을 때 편안함을 느낀다” 라는 것입니다. 그렇다면 이 둘을 expound 해서 설명하시고, 예시도 이와 관련된 것을 서술하시는 것이 좋겠습니다. 또한 인트로보다 본론이 짧지 않도록 주의해주세요.)
Second, it is a good chance to learn more from various people. (why do you think so? 이 질문에 대한 답을 하신 후, 구체적으로 내용을 서술해나가시면 됩니다.) Subsequent to mulling over this query, I have finally come to grasp that working for employer is better batter than working for own business. (running own business 라고 해도 되겠죠?) However, everything has two sides, and in order for disadvantages not to prevail, we should exercise caution and moderation. As we all know, too much of anything is bad for us.
(이번 글 완성해보시면 좋을 것 같네요. 다양한 표현도 사용해보시고 자신의 idea를 구체적으로 진행할 수 있도록 하시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고하셨습니다~) |