▶ Your Answer :
Nowadays, the internet is really important factor in every industry. Accordingly, many countries are concentrating on developing to develop internet technology rather than improving improve public transportation system. I also agree that the government should support developing internet access the department of internet access than public transportation, on the ground of both importance and convenience of the internet.
First reason for my belief is that internet gives us a chance to save time that reduce the time which we spend for moving from here to there to work to move one place to other place for work. (why do you think so? Supportive sentence) Many companies are working with others firms thesedays do not maintain their company alone, but they interact with other organizations. When they contact to other company without internet system, they should meet each other personally other worker directly. However it is easier to exchange any information or data(,) by using the internet services when they use internet services such as electronic mail(,) and web-hard. If the company could minimize wasting time on the road decrease the wasted time, their work efficiency will more increase than now. Therefore the government should know that many companies could save the time with internet system.
Another reason for my opinion is that it is possible that we could gain international data with internet. (두 번째 근거는 convenience 라고 했는데요~ international data with internet 이라고만 하시면 convenience 의 느낌은 어디서도 찾아볼 수가 없습니다.) Recently, the world become a big one community thus we usually called it "the global era/ period". Building close relationships with other nations is the key factor to develop one’s country. (To accomplish the development of nation, countries should build close relationship with others, which contact many other nations(,) and the relationship with other nations is the key factor to improve their nations.) Government could not maintain the relationship with other nations through only public transportations like airplane. It is impossible for representatives of nations to go around the world to meet those of other countries by airplane in a day After all they will use the internet system, for example presidents will not debate face to face, Thanks to the internet, however, it became possible to have video conference with all representatives at same time but dispute through the internet system which offer the video conference. Therefore improving internet system is more helpful to nations than developing public transportation.
If you still have doubt on to my assertion, my last reason will persuade you definitely. The last reason for my opinion is that the internet system is useful to obtain any information. (인트로에서는 근거가 3개만 제시되었었는데 하나가 추가되었네요? 인트로는 안내서입니다. 이와 동일하게 글을 진행해주세요.) In contemporary society, information is very important factor. Although nowadays to catch the information many people either go library or visit special instrument, but the internet system offer us more convenient way to gather information. (문장 깔끔하게 다듬어보세요~) Therefore if the government founded the great system of internet many people could obtain information more speedily. (급하게 만들어진 근거라는 생각이 드는 이유는 왜일까요? 아마도 구체적인 예시나 자료없이 글이 마무리 되기 때문이 아닐까 하는 생각이 듭니다.ㅠ)
In sum, above reasons are enough to support my opinion that developing internet is more important than public transportation. If the government neglected the importance of internet as well as did not support the department of internet, department of internet? 정부의 한 부서라면 Department of Internet 이라고 하셔야 합니다. the nation not only would be inferior to than other nations but also would not be developed very well. Therefore the government should concentrate on improving to improve the internet system rather than public transportation.
내용면에서 정리가 많이 부족합니다. 보충설명이나 뒷받침해줄 자료들이 충분하지 않습니다. 이런 점들 보충해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 더불어 문장을 구성하는 연습을 하시어 clear 하게 문장 작성하시는 연습도 함께 하시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고하셨습니다~ |