▶ Your Answer :
Opinions might be divided over whether living in the cities allows people to sufficiently enjoy their life with family. Personally I believe that people living in cities can take better care of their family and there are two reasons that could validate my position.
First, as society has become complex, many of today’s parents are tied up with busy schedules and overwhelmed 그래서 첫번째 근거가 무엇인가요? 도시에서 사는 것이 가족을 care 하는데 낫다고 하셨는데 왜 나은지는 안말씀해주셨어요. 자신의 근거를 먼저 밝혀주도록 해주세요. by enormous amount of tasks whether they lived in the cities or rural areas. In this context, when children are in difficulties the advice center can help children to overcome their problems. 기관의 도움을 받을 수 있다는 말이 문장 맨 처음에 나오는 것이 글의 흐름을 더 좋게 할 수 있을 것 같네요. Considering 85% youth advice centers are located in the city, it makes more sense that children living in the urban areas can have more chances to overcome their difficulties. For example, when I was in high school, I started to lose my grip on math and my confidence to succeed in the subject. However, I could not have overcome it because in my town, there was nowhere for me to get a piece of advice wasn’t a place where I could get advice. But then, after my father’s business succeeded, I moved to the city. In there I could easily find a youth advice center there. The adviser told me how other students had faced the same problem and explained how they had successfully overcome it. It was really useful and hit home. Thanks to Due to adviser’s advice 니까 his/her advice 라고 하면 좋겠네요~ their advice, my grades greatly improved in the next semester. Without moving to city, I could not have a chance to get advice from professional adviser and thus I could not have successfully overcome my difficulties. 부모를 대신해줄 수 있는 센터나 시설들이 많이 있다는 내용의 문장을 처음 시작으로 조금만 흐름을 수정해주세요
Second, people living in urban areas can have more chances to enjoy various activities together. why do you think so? Supportive sentence 를 써주세요. In the villages it is hard to find activities that children can enjoy with their parents. However, in cities people can go to various amusement places with their family. These activities will strengthen bonds between parents and children with their family. To illustrate, when I lived in the countryside, I did not have a chance to spend time with my father because there wasn’t a place that I could do/enjoy activities with my father. But then after moving to the city, I made it a rule to go to the movie theater with my father after completing an important task such as submitting a term paper. When we watched a movie together, we spent quality time together laughing out loud at hilarious scenes and impersonating the characters in them. As a result, our relationship grew stronger.
본론의 예시가 모두 지극히 개인적입니다. 조금 더 깊이있게 다뤄주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.
All in all, because of the reasons mentioned above, I firmly believe that people who live in the urban areas can take better care of their families
디테일한 부분들에 신경을 많이 쓰셔야 할 것 같습니다. 또한 띄어쓰기가 잘 안되어 있는 곳이 많았고, 심지어는 마침표는 찍지 않은 곳도 있었습니다. 사소한 것에도 주의를 기울여주시기 바랍니다. |