Printed books have had greater effects on society than television has.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
An intriguing topic of discussion at hand is whether printed books have had greater effects on society than television has. The answer to this question can vary greatly, depending on the individual perspectives. Thus, the jury may still be out, but as far as I am concerned, I disagree with the statement. In this essay, I will present two reasons supporting my standpoint as follows.
To begin with, development of the Internet and television lead leads to the reducing in of book’s effect. In detail, reading the rate of people who enjoy reading had has decreased reduced until now. 인터넷과 티비의 발달이 책의 영향력을 어떻게 줄여왔는지에 대한 구체적인 설명이 필요합니다. 단순히 TV와 인터넷이 책의 영향력을 줄였다. & 책을 읽는 사람의 비율이 줄어들고 있다. 두 문장만으로는 어떤 인과관계도 설명할 수가 없습니다. '어떻게' 책의 영향력이 줄어들었는지에 대한 설명, 즉 TV와 인터넷의 발달이 가져온 환경의 변화에 대한 내용을 2-3문장 정도 더 보완해주세요. According to a report recently released in 2012 by the Seoul National University, readers have been reduced about 10 percents of people comparing to the past 10 years. The study found that publics the public usually use the Internet or television, which means people resort to rely on these convenient mass media, while the impression of reading books is has been weaken. This phenomenon makes people be to far away from the printed books. As a result, this lends itself to the following logic: influence of books had been subdued along with the change of contemporary society. In this sense, it is evident that a small few number of readers reader lead lead to the lack of power within of the books. 주장을 뒷받침하기에 알맞은 내용의 사례입니다.
Moreover, publics the public are have been exposed by to the television for long period. In particular, people who are in current society live together with television in their daily life. body1에서 설명한 것과 마찬가지로 사례를 바로 제시하기 전에 주장에 대한 설명을 더 구체적으로 제시해주세요. 사람들이 TV와 어떤식으로 하루종일 붙어 있는지, 왜 그렇게 됐는지 등의 내용을 제시해주세요. I have personally experienced this on many occasions, but the most notable example is as follows: although my parents did not have television in their family when they were young, students who can be encompassed all young people from elementary school to university students like me have television in their house. Thus, exposure of television would not make big problem to young people. I have learned the common knowledge and news from television because it is easy to contact with this. 부모님 세대의 어린 시절에는 TV가 없었지만 우리또래의 학생들은 모두 TV에 익숙하다는 내용과 TV가 아무런 해를 끼치지 않고 오히려 유익하다는 내용, 그리고 유명인사나 공인들이 TV를 통해 이익을 보려고 한다는 내용 세 가지는 서로 아무런 관련이 없습니다. 주장과 가장 밀접한 연관성을 보여줄 수 있는 예증 자료를 선택해서 그 부분을 구체적으로 설명하는 편이 맥락을 만드는 데 더 좋을 것 같아요. Accordingly, society had has been used television for their purpose. Entertainers have gotten a lot of popularity and politicians who join the TV program can get a lot of acclaim. Therefore, this leads to the following logic: people execute their influence by broadcasting through the television because of the effect of exposure by television. In this respect, it is apparent that influence of the television will be increased from now on.
In conclusion, I strongly argue for my standpoint on account of the two reasons mentioned above. Once again, although the verdict may still be out, I personally believe that two of my rationales above are sufficiently convincing enough to represent the viewpoints of a majority of people who are in favor of my claim.
문법 실수가 너무 많습니다. 글을 제출하기 전에 여유시간을 남겨두시고 꼭 한번 더 문법 체크해주세요. 논제에 대한 나의 입장을 뒷받침하기에 타당한 근거들을 잘 생각해주셨습니다. 다만 이 주장에 대한 구체적인 설명을 풀어내는 과정에서 구체적인 설명이 부족합니다. 연결고리를 가지고 내용이 단계적으로 제시될 수 있도록 살을 더 붙여서 내용 보완해주세요. 코멘트 참고하셔서 내용 수정보완해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!