It is more important to use land for human needs such as farming, housing and industry than for saving endangered animals. Do you agree or disagree?
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Although humans are the only part of the wide nature, humans powerfully influence on the nature as technologies and civilizations are developed. Humans use a large part of the land, some of which was a living place of animals and plants. As these animals and other features get a problem of extinction, some people assert that the priority to use of the land should be redeployed for endangered animals so that they can keep living in the world. However, others argue that human beings still need to use land for their own purpose and no priority can be higher than human beings. Although it is partially right for us to have a responsibility to protect the endangered animals and need to provide them with a part of the land, I still agree with the latter idea of the use of the land for humans because of two factors. body의 분량에 비해 서론의 비율이 너무 큽니다. 내용상 서론은 중요한 파트가 아니므로 서론이 과하게 길 경우 글 전체의 균형이 깨집니다. 서론의 분량을 줄이고 본론의 내용을 더 보완하는 데 시간을 사용하는 게 좋습니다. 서론1: 본론2: 본론2: 결론1 정도 비율이라고 생각하시면 편할 것 같아요.
To begin with, there are still many people who starve to die due to the lack of food and crops. In Africa, many people are still dying because they do not have enough food. Recent statistics show that we still do not have enough food for people in the world can live without hunger. Although most people of countries such as America the US, Japan, and Europe do not concern about the lack of the food, there are still many people who desperately want some foods for their lives. Since land is one of the most important factors for food generation, its priority should be given for people's living. It is not late to give a second priority for endangered animals only if peoples' living is more important. 주장에 대한 설명이 잘 풀려 있습니다. 구체적인 예증 사례로 경험담이나 연구결과, 보도자료 등을 제시해서 논지를 강화해주세요.
Secondly, nobody can guarantee that endangered animals can continue to live even if we give some areas for their living. The most important reason of the animals' extinction is that they cannot adapt the current environment. Since the environment is changed not by humans but by other reasons such as sudden change of the temperature or destruction of the food chain. We could give some land areas to endangered animals, but we cannot provide every single detail for their own lives, which means that animals which cannot adapt the current environment consequently will be disappeared. body1에서 설명한 것과 마찬가지로 주장에 대한 사례를 제시해서 논지를 강화해주세요. 사례가 정말 경험한 것처럼 신빙성 있게 제시되고 구체적인 이야기가 될수록 설득력이 높아질 수 있습니다.
It is not true that all the land area should be used for only human beings. It is not possible and not even desirable. However, if we have to give a priority for the use of the land, we should give the first priority to human beings because there are still many starving people who desperately need foods, and the use of the land for the endangered animals does not guarantee the survival of those animals. Giving a second priority to the animals will not be a bad idea.
서론과 결론에 비해 본론의 분량이 적다는 느낌을 줍니다. 서론과 결론은 점수에 거의 영향을 미치지 않으므로 간결하게 제시해주시고, 대신 본론의 내용을 보완하는 데 시간을 더 많이 배분해주세요. 본론의 주장과 설명은 clear한 편이니 이에 대한 사례만 구체적으로 제시할 수 있다면 점수에 더 도움이 되겠습니다. 보통 주장에 대한 설명을 2-4문장정도 제시하고 예증사례를 4-5문장 정도 제시해서 body를 만드는 것이 시간 사용에 적절합니다.
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task / 적절한 설명 appropriate explanation / 적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details / 일관성, 단계적 구성 unity, progression, coherence / 다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety / 적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity의 여섯가지 항목이 주로 채점의 기준으로 사용되니 참고하세요. 서론, 결론을 간략화하고 설명 부분을 다듬어서 사례를 첨가한 글을 다시 써 보시는 것도 좋겠습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!