Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is good for teenagers to have jobs while they are still students. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
These days, more and more teenagers are starting to have jobs due to economic problems. Most are high school students, working to get their university tuition fees. In Korea, students could work starting from 15, with the approval of the parents. In fact, the world is mostly open to these students, who would like to earn money. Teenagers having jobs while they are still students is good for the reason that students would be able to learn responsiblity, and also teach the students and the value of money. 주제와 나의 입장을 간결하게 잘 소개한 서론입니다.
To start with, working could teach students responsibility. When a student works, they must be responsible for in their jobs to get money. This would improve their responsibility. 바로 사례를 제시하기 전에 내 주장이 설득력있게 받아들여질 수 있도록 더 구체적인 설명을 보완해주세요. 돈을 받기 위해서 책임감이 있어야 한다는 내용을 더 자세하게 설명한다면 좋겠습니다. For example, in the case of going to school and one has to skip school for some days, this could be solved by only one phone call. On the other hand, if a schedule such as going on a trip corresponds with the workdays of a student, the student would not be able to solve that problem with just a phone call, and if one misses these days, one would not be able to get money from that day. So (So, But으로 시작하는 구어적 표현보다는 Therefore, However, Hence 등 가능한 문어체 표현을 써 주는 것이 좋습니다.) when a student works, the student must be responsible in for his job even if a schedule corresponds with worktimes. From this we could know that students could learn responsibility from working.
In addition, from working, students would be able to learn the value of money. 마찬가지로 바로 한국 학생들의 사례를 보여주기 전에 포괄적으로 적용될 수 있는 "학생들이 일을 통해 돈의 가치를 배울 수 있다"는 주장에 대한 설명을 먼저 제시해주세요. In Korea students are able to get about 4 dollars by working an hour. On the other hand, most students get about 50 dollars in holidays. Students who don't work would think that day as just a typical holiday, but a student who works would think the 50 dollars as the money that one could get by working 12 hours, leading the student to think that money has great value and make him use the money wisely. For example, in Korean holidays, students could get money from one's relatives, and one student could even get more than 100 dollars if one has a lot of relatives. This would lead the student to think that this money is not so valuable, and that money is easy to earn, leading students to use their money unwisely. However, if the student mentioned in this case is a working student, the student would use the money wisely, effecting his future habits. 명절에 친척들로부터 용돈을 받는 사례는 한국이 아닌 문화권에서 이해하기에 어려울 수 있으므로 풀어서 설명하거나 더 이해하기 쉬운 내용을 사례로 알맞게 제시하는 것이 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 문단에서 초점을 맞춰야 하는 부분은 아르바이트를 통해 돈의 가치를 어떻게, 어떤 과정을 통해 배울 수 있는가에 대한 부분이지 돈의 가치를 알면 쉽게 돈을 안 쓴다는 내용이 아니기 때문에 논지를 분명히 전달할 수 있도록 내용 흐름을 수정해주세요. This shows that students could learn the value of money by working.
In conclusion, working when a teenager is a student helps the student by teaching responsibility and the value of money. A student would have to have a working experience, to experience real life and learn important lessons, and it would surely help one in one's future.
논제에 대한 나의 입장을 뒷받침하기에 타당한 근거들을 잘 생각해주셨습니다. 다만 이 주장에 대한 구체적인 설명을 풀어내는 과정에서 내용이 주제에서 벗어나게 되지 않도록 논제가 묻는 내용에 초점을 두고 서술해주세요. 단어들 역시 같은 단어의 반복적인 사용 대신 다양한 단어를 활용해서 글을 구성해준다면 좋겠습니다^^ 코멘트 참고하셔서 내용 수정보완해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!