*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Some young children sometimes spend huge amounts of their time playing sports. There are advantages by practicing sports lots of time. On the other hand, there are an apparent disadvantages of too much doing sports. I would suggest the pros and the cons of enjoying lots of time with practicing sports.
First of all, spending lots of their time practicing sports can improve help children to enhance toenhance their physical abilities. Young children have to exercise to increase their physical abilities, such as running or jumping. This childhood is a very important period to grow children because this period has a tremendous influence on their entire lives. 구체적으로 어떤 면에서 영향을 주는지에 대한 설명이 필요합니다. 피상적인 설명이 되지 않도록 운동을 하는 것이 "어떻게" 체력을 길러주고, 체력을 기르는 것이 "왜" 중요한지를 설명하는 단계적인 문단으로 구성해주세요. In addition, the importance of this period applies to their social abilities. For example, children can learn social and human skill by exercising with their friends or same age group. Likewise, children learn how to make some friends and how to cooperate with their peers. These social and human skills also have positive impacts on their lives. 마찬가지로 운동을 통해 아이들의 사교성이 어떻게 길러지고 사교성이 왜 중요한지에 대한 설명이 구체적으로 제시될 수 있도록 내용 보완해주세요.
On the other hand, there are some disadvantages of practicing sports lots of time, as well. To begin with, young children are prone to dislike studies, such as mathematics and science. If young people enjoy lots of time to with practice playing sports, playing sports it will be an excuse for them to rationalize and stop not studying. 운동에 많은 시간을 쓰면 왜 공부를 안좋아하게 되는지, 공부하지 않는 것에 대한 핑계로 어떻게 사용할 수 있는지 설명 보완해주세요. For example, my friend friends James have been a soccer player during for ten years. He always kept himself from studying, excusing that he had to exercise soccer. He always refuged to avoid avoided studying by doing sports. Consequently, he did not doesn’t know anything about information and curriculums of subjects. Furthermore, spending too much exercising causes children to have no opportunity that to know what is about their talent, in particular, another field. In other words, too much practicing sports can deprives deprive them of finding their own aptitudes. For instance, they may have some talent in art and or chemistry, not in soccer and or baseball. Young people should have an opportunity to do various activities, and this is necessary to their lives.
주장에 대한 설명이 더 단계적으로 제시되어 논리 흐름을 가질 수 있도록 보완해주세요. 또한 독립형 문제는 주로 agree/disagree 형태로 출제되어 나의 입장을 정하고 그에 대한 이유를 설명하는 방식으로 나오는 경우가 더 많으니 기출문제 list에서 agree/disagree문제를 중심으로 연습하시는 것이 더 많이 도움이 됩니다.
이전에 말씀드렸듯이 논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task / 적절한 설명 appropriate explanation / 적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details / 일관성, 단계적 구성 unity, progression, coherence / 다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety / 적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity의 여섯가지 항목이 주로 채점의 기준으로 사용되니 참고하세요.
수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!