▶ Your Answer :
I agree that in the past, it was easier to identify what types of career or job lead to secure, successful future because of two reasons: the number of profitable jobs was limited in the past; increasing numbers of jobs require professional knowledge.
First, the number of profitable jobs was limited in the past. The jobs that can earn enough money to make secure life were few. This is because almost 90 percent of people were poor farmers. At that time, only a small number of people such as doctors, lawyers, and high government officials could earn enough money to make secure, successful life. For instance, people in the past had a fixed idea that only doctors or lawyers could earn enough money, and having these jobs were being considered as the most secure and successful career. (여기서 왜 doctor와 lawyer들만 많은 돈을벌게 됬는지에 대한 설명이 부족해요. 그리고 계속 그지업들만 좋았다라고 언급만하지 전개가 나가지 않는듯한 느낌을 받았어요. )
Additionally, Increasing numbers (number입니다) of jobs require professional knowledge. As much as the society becomes diverse, high-income careers also increases. Since there are so many kinds of professions, and the income of those are not all same, it is harder for people to find a job that leads to secure, successful future. Some computer programmers or sports stars earn much more money than doctors and lawyers. Like this, it is unpredictable which job or career actually can lead people to secure, successful future. For example, my friend Joe, who loved to bake. Despite his father’s dissent – he wanted him to follow his way and become a doctor – Joe chose to be a baker. He then very quickly graduated from a cooking school, and now, he became a great chief and he earns much more money than the usual doctors or lawyers. He broke everyone’s stereotype.
분명히 2번째 본론의 topic sentence는 특정한 지식이 필요하다고 했습ㄴ다. 그러면 왜 특별한지식 떄문에 어느직업이 안정되 있는지 알수가 없는걸까요를 설득시킬수 있게 설명을 해줘야 하는거 아닌가요...지금 에쎄이를 보시면 그냥 자신이 하고싶은말만 줄줄이 쓰시는 경향이 있어요. 정말 안좋은 버릇이에요 ㅠㅠ...
To conclude, due to the fact that the number of profitable jobs was limited in the past, and the increasing numbers of jobs that require professional knowledge makes an unpredictable future, I agree that it was easier to identify what types of career or job lead to secure, successful future in the past.
Comment: 전반적으로 많이 아쉽네요. 에쎼이 쓰는건문제없는데 전개방식 같은게 너무 어긋나서... 그래서 에쎼이에 많은점수가 감점이 될것 같아요. 에쎄이를 하루에 많이쓰지마시고, 하나를 쓰실때라도 정말 꼼꼼하고 신중하게 써주시는게 좋을거라고 생각합니다 정말로 양보단 질입니다. 참고해주세요 |