▶ Your Answer :
Some people believe that universities should more invest on libraries than sports activities. However, I have a different idea. I strongly believe that it is very important for students to participate in these activities. This is because they can lose their health and cannot easily adapt their job in the future.
First of all, students can become more fit phycally and mentally (이렇게 두가지로 나눠주지마시고 한가지 육체적 혹은 정신적, 이렇게 나가주시는게 좋습니다. 많은 사람들이 하는 실수중하나인데 바로 이거에요. 엄연하게 따지고보면 둘다 한가지 토픽이 각각 될 수가있어요. 그리고 위처럼2개쓰시면 한 본론에다가 이렇게 쓰기 힘들겁니다.)by enjoying sports. many students spent most of their time studying and working. This fact can give students a large amount of stress. (결국 이건 mentally네요.) This has been demonstrated sicentifically by the Ministry of Health and Welfare. According to the recearch it conducted in 2009, there is a direct correlation between sports activities and stress levels. In the study, members of group A were allowed to play a soccer after work. On the contrary, those of group B were left to continue their regular routine. Over time, the A group showed declining stress levels. While stress levels of the B group remained constant. In this regard, stress reduction is a significant benefit of playing sports activities.(전부다 좋았어요. 하지만 위처럼 제가언급드린바와 같이, phyically에 대해서 결국 언급은 없네요..ㅠㅠ 제가 위에처럼 언급한것과 같죠 ㅎ?)
Secondly, participating in sports activities can help students to learn social skills and by actively interacting with others. There is no denying that one of the most important thing in their lives to do better social life is a social skill. many students only study alone in the library, This can cause them to lack social skills, which can negatively affect their lives in the future. For example, if students do not know how to get along with others well in their job, they cannot adapt to company atmosphere. Moreover, although there are many projects treated by a group in the company, it is difficult for them to complete this project since they do not know how to cooperate with teamates. Hence, students should attend sports activities. This is because it can have a positive impact on social lives in future. (좋았습니다. 하지만 딱하나만 넣었으면 좋겠네요. 대부분 학생들은 졸업하자마자 직장간다 <- 대학생들의 그 찌든삶이 회사로 옮겨지는데 거기서 많은 문제점들이 발표됬다. 이런바와 같이 전개하시면좋을것같아요.
In short, studying is very important factor to students. However, If they do not regard sports activities as significant, it will have negatively influence in their health and social life. Therefore, in my opinion, colleges should focus as much on sports activities as on library.
Comment: 전반적으로는 괜찮으나 여러가지 작은 실수들로 흔들리시는거 같습니다. 항상 본론 토픽센텐스는 정말 중요하다라는거 잊지마세요. 그리고 제가 언급드린점 참고해주세요. 수고하셨습니다 잘쓰셨어요 ㅎㅎ |