▶ Your Answer :
As people grow up (Growing up,) they people sometimes have to make an important decision(,) and many people tend to get an advice from others before they decide because they do want to be more careful so that their decision works in a right way. Like these people, I strongly believe that a person should not make an important decision alone; the person should get an advice from others before his decision; (결국 같은 말 아닌가요? 하나는 지우셔도 될 것 같습니다.) by being helped from others, the person is able to not only make the best decision but also decide more quickly than when he decides by himself.
(첫 문장은 많은 사람들의 조언과 도움을 통해서 최상의 선택을 할 수 있다는 내용이 나와줘야 합니다. 그리고 그 이유까지도 제시해주시면 좋구요~ 두 번째 문장이 supportive sentence 가 될 수 있도록요~) It is always hard and tough to deal with something by oneself so that the person must have to take a risk when he makes a consequential decision alone. However, if the person asks people for some helps, their advices would make the task completed more easily. In my experience, after I graduated from high school, because of financial problem economic difficulties, I had to decide between going to college in U.S. and enter that school next year (경제적 어려움 때문에 대학에 들어갈 지 일을 할지 결정해야했다 라는 문장이 더 자연스럽지 않을까요?) whether I would go to a college in the U.S. I delay my attending to the college in next year. I never had had this situation before(,) so I was became more confused as I tried to think of that. I was so concerned and worried because I felt that whatever I decide, a result from my decision would be bad. However, as my favorite teacher heard of my terrible situation, she asked her husband who had had a similar experience before to give me any advices, so I met her husband and talked to him about my future seriously. He suggested me to defer admission to collage and work at his academy that I should delay my attending to a college and take a rest for a year by working at his academy. He knew how hard it is for me to not go to school, but he also encouraged me. Thanks to his advices and help, I could make my decision for my future, and actually still now, I am so glad that I followed listened to him. Even though I went to college later than my friends more late than my aged people, I could not only support help my parent’s financially economic situation but also get got great experience by teaching students at academy.
Through my experience, I strongly think that a person should make an essential decision with help from others. Some people have experience which you have never had have, so they have wisdom which helps you make wise and correct decision them behave wisely and correctly. It is not shameful to rely on other people; whenever you need to deal with something important, the best way to solve a problem is to get an advice from others.
보통 근거를 두 개 정도 드는 것이 일반적인데 하나만 드셨네요~ 그리고 예로 드신 내용은 많이 진부합니다. 사실 훨씬 간결하게 쓸 수 있을 거라는 생각이 듭니다. 수고하셨습니다~ |