▶ Your Answer :
when When I was kid, I enjoyed watching TV. I wanted to be a famous rich people man like whom who I saw people in TV. (앞문장과 그 다음 오는 내용이 자연스럽게 연결되지 않습니다. “티비에 나오는 사람들은 화려한 데 반해 그렇지 못했던 부모님에 대해 좋지 않게 생각했다던가 하는 내용이 있어야 however 로 자연스럽게 연겨될 수 있을 것 같넨요.) However, as I grew up, I began to respect my mother more and more. I admire my mother for three main reasons: her passion about job, to give over to her sacrifice for her family, and her personality. (A,B and C를 이야기 할 때는 같은 form 으로 적어주시는 것이 좋겠습니다.) (글의 topic 은 무엇인지 정확하게 드러나지 않았습니다.)
Above all, she is enthusiastic in doing her job, painter. she loves her job. She is a very enthusiastic painter. Although she aged over 60, she still has have passion about for Art. She willingly walk far from my house for watching museum visits galleries which is quite far from house(,) and she have always drawn (prints 를 쓰시려고 했던 건가요? 아니면 drawing/painting 과 같은 말을 하시려고 했던 것인가요?) prints every in the morning. Whenever whenever she talks about her recent publications, and exhibitions, she seems to be a woman of joy happy. When she holds an exhibition, she totally concentrates on her work.
Not only she loves her work, but also she devotes herself to her family. She she never forgets the importance of family life. She always tries to be a good mother and wife. She always keeps asking me and father what you we want to eat. Even for us, she got a For us, she even obtained a cooker certificate. she She seems to be pleased whenever I and father be are satisfied after eating her delicious food. Moreover, she calls me on the phone every day everyday to ask how I feel, and to tell me how much she loves me.
finally, Lastly she has a great personality. She never gets upset when I express anger toward her. she simply embraces me, and wisely finds a solution. Furthermore, she She is a good volunteer. She cares about people who are in a predicament, and also she gets along with them. (어떤곳에서 어떻게 도와주는지 설명이 있으면 더 좋을것 같습니다.)
To conclude, I have a genuine respect for my mother and keep her as she is my a role model. I would like to be both a work-oriented and family- oriented person just like her. I would like also hope to be always a warm-hearted person, especially toward those who are suffering (From what? Detail 한 부분들이 더 있었으면 합니다.). I hope I will become a person similar to her.
전체적인 구성은 좋지만 support하는 detail한 부분들이 clear하지 않아서 아쉽습니다. 보충으로 설명하셔야 할 부분들이 충분히 들어가야 할 것 같습니다. 또한 3인칭을 쓰는 부분에서 verb에 S를 쓰는 부분이 빠지는 거와 같은 작은 grammar error들을 주의 하시기 바랍니다. 수고하셨습니다. |