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It sometimes becomes sometimes an interesting issue among people that students should choose choice universities which give them courses related to seeking their future job. While some people might disagree with this opinion and say in that students have to prepare for the future by having part-time job. In my opinion, however, I firmly believe that universities should offer more courses to help students be ready prepare students for the their future for with two reasons. First, students have a good job. Second, students lack of information. (어떤 의미에서 학생들이 좋은 직업을 가지고 있는지 설명이 필요 합니다. “can have” 가 되어야 할 것 같네요. 어색하게 이유를 먼저 말하기 보다, 또한 문단을 바꾸어 이유를 하나씩 말하는 것이 좋습니다.)
I have the same mind with the aforementioned principle for the reasons that it is possible for students to get a good job by taking more courses. It does not take a genius to know that if students study more, they are able to get a great job which they always desire to. According to the study recently released by Korea National Research Center, two thirds of CEOs mentioned importance of school’s diverse courses. Based on the study, their universities provided them with extreme unusual courses. This is because large companies only hire people with unique skills. Owing to these courses, they could be hired by good company companies. For these reasons, people select universities which give assistance for job seeking. (문장 전체가 하나의 요점을 뒷받침 하지 않고 있습니다. 공부를 더 하는 것, 다양한 과목, 그리고 특이한 과목이 더 많은 과목을 듣는 것에 대한 연관성이 적어 보입니다.)
Another reason that should be taken into consideration is that there is a limit to know everything about factors of successful job seeking for students. (어떤 의미의 문장인지 알 수 없습니다. ) It is evident that students tend to spend most of time studying and taking classes. Even, if they have a free time, they usually watch television or surf the Internet. If universities enable students to be educated materials about how to find a job seeking, students will be able to adapt apply for an appropriate well in company. (학생들이 free time 을 잘 활용하지 못하니까 그 때 수업을 하자는 논리로 쓰신 건가요? 정리가 좀 필요합니다.) There is a great illustration a good example supporting this idea. When I was a university student, I was planning to visit other countries for relieving my stress arising from caused by complex school performances works. However, universities forced me to take a class which contains on skills of presentation on during vacation. In retrospect fact, it is was very helpful for me to learn these skills that are essential to remaining working life my work. In this sense, universities should provide students with a great amount of information.
To sum up, I totally would like to say that students should select universities which offer different and unique courses. The reasons why I think like this is are that taking more classes enables students to have a good job and, at the same time, taking diverse classes helps students to knowing more information (어떤 인포메이션인지 detail이 부족합니다. 두번째 문단이 work을 할때 쓸수 있는 스킬을 가르치는 것이라면 그에 대한 것을 적어야 합니다.). The rationales reasons above are sufficiently convincing enough to represent the point of view of the majority who are in favor of my claims. (처음 주장은 학교가 다양한 과목을 offer해야 한다는 것이었습니다. 그러면 결론 또한 학생들이 다양한 학교를 선택하는 것이 아니라, 대학이 다양한 과목을 offer해야 하는 것으로 끝내야 합니다.)
전체적으로 아이디어가 연결이 안되는 부분이 많습니다. 주장과 supporting detail이 연결이 되게 쓸 필요가 있습니다. 수고하셨습니다. |