▶ Your Answer :
Some people says that present time and future hardship that we will face on our life is nothing to do with the past time one. However, I strongly believe that it is so significant siginificant informations matters to solve the problem of now and after the present and the future. (제가 문장을 정확하게 이해한 것인지 모르겠습니다. it이 무엇인지 명시 되지 않아서 위의 첫 문장과 연관이 되지 않습니다.) We know that the history repeats itself is repeated to the similar type, recording a wide range of information (무슨 의미인지 정확히 모르겠습니다. History 가 반복되는 것과 recording은 또 무슨 관계인가요?.). And also it proves That is the reason why we are studying historical education history subjects in our school. (인트로에서 필자의 주장이 무엇인지 알수 없습니다.) 글이 전반적으로 무슨 말을 하는 것인지 이해되지 않는 부분이 많습니다.
To begin with, the history failure is has a constant pattern (뒤의 내용에서는 failure 과 success 두 가지 이야기가 다 나오는데 왜 첫 문장에서는 failure 만 언급하셨는지 모르겠습니다.) that made by human being. (supportive sentence 가 없습니다.) The King Solomon said in the bible "there is nothing to deal with no new thing under the sun". It shows that our life is similar with both present and past and even with future. So many past recording events teach us a lesson on why they have been succeeded and failed at their time. For example, the First World War first world war let us learn have taught about human's desire mind that wants to have a great power over the world. (계속 예시가 나오네요. 둘을 연결시켜 주세요. 이 외에도~~ 이런식으로요! Another example is Japan.) The Japan is a great example. Japanese were not generous in dealing with other countries so that it was conquered Because they have not a generous mind to the world, they failed by Americans as they do did not show mercy to the world by American. Therefore, we should learn form from them how violent human being is so violent presence. (주제 문장이 무엇인지 알수 없습니다. 과거로 부터 배워야 할것이 많다는 것 같은데 그부분이 나와 있지 않고 예시 또한 연관지어서 생각할수 없습니다. 거기다가 마무리 문장은 사람들이 얼마나 폭력적인가를 배워야한다 라는 말이 나오는데요… 글쎄요.. 조금 더 글 흐름 생각해보실 필요가 있습니다.)
In addition, our education examines past information to solve the future problem. (과거가 미래 문제를 푸는데 도움이 된다는 말로 바꾸는 것이 좋습니다. 갑자기 our education이 나오는 것은 연관성이 적습니다. ) Most of study types are composed of lots of information which have been accumulated for several years/decades imformation occured past theories, teach what which imformation is need to in these days and for the future on human being. (무슨 말을 전달하고 싶으셨던 것이죠? Most ~ past 와 teach~ 두 문장으로 구분하시는 것이 글을 더 clear 하게 만들 수 있을 것 같습니다.) For instance, phycology (psychology 가 맞을 것 같네요) teaches us that our infant memories tell us what events is are important to us. It means What it means is that our today life is made by a wide range of past events, such as what my interesting hobby is, how we I play played to each other, who my friends were with me is., and so one. So, people we become to find our behavior with problem that is related to past important events and memories that they experienced in the past. This is a basic theory in phycology theory. (이 예시는 과거가 미래의 문제를 푸는데 도움이 어떻게 되는지를 설명하지 않고 있습니다. 단지 심리학의 한부분만을 설명하고 있습니다. ) (중간중간 주어가 we 인 경우들이 있는데 되도록이면 people 과 같은 일반화된 주어를 사용해주시면 좋겠습니다.)
To sum up, our historical histoirical events made by human have a wide range of problem. What it means is that people could make same mistakes and failure we are possible to do same failure. And people we learned al a lot of theories form from our education related to past life. There are a number of past scholars shcolars with thier life (무슨 의미인지 알수 없습니다.). Both reasons clearly state lead us that it is so important to have much information to solve problems in the present days and in the future of us. For these reason, I strongly believe that we should understand past meticulously to solve the problem of the these days and in the future.
전체적으로 주장이 무엇인지, 그를 뒷받침하는 근거가 무엇인지 clear하게 나타나있지 않고 예 또한 주장과 무관해 보이는 경향이 있습니다. 더 좋은 문장 구성과 뼈대가 필요하며, 문법 또한 더 신경을 쓸 필요가 있습니다. 수고하셨습니다! |