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It sometimes becomes an interesting issue among people that students should choose universities which give them courses related to their future job. While some people disagree with this opinion and say that students have to prepare for the future by having part-time job. In my opinion, however, I firmly believe that universities should offer more courses to help students be ready for their future with two reasons. First, students can have a good job. Second, students lack information. (clear 하게 잘 쓰셨습니다!)
I have the same mind with the aforementioned principle for the reason that it is possible for students to get a good job by taking more courses. It is obvious that the more courses students take, the more knowledge they can get. It does not take a genius to know that if students accumulate more know an amount of knowledge, (단순히 다른 표현을 위해 accumulate 이라는 단어를 사용해 보았음을 말씀드립니다~) they are able to get a great job which they always desire to. (요즘 기업이 다방면에 뛰어난 인재를 선호하기 때문에 다양한 분야의 수업을 들어본 학생들이 직업을 구하는 데 유리하다 등의 문장까지 써주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다.) According to the study recently released by Korea National Research Center, two thirds of CEOs mentioned importance of school’s diverse courses. (학교에서 제공하는 다양한 course 의 중요성인가요 아니면 학생들이 얼마나 다양한 분야의 course 를 수강했는지의 중요성인가요?) Based on the study, their universities (?) provided them with a lot of courses. This is because large companies only hire smart people. Owing to these courses, they could be hired by good companies. For these reasons, universities ought to offer students many courses for their future job. (노란색으로 highlight 된 부분은 정리가 좀 필요해보입니다. 다른 부분들은 clear 한 표현으로 잘 써주셨습니다)
Another reason that should be taken into consideration is that there is taking a lot of courses enables students to know information which is essential to seek seeking a job. It is evident that students tend to spend most of time studying and taking classes. This will result in a negative outcome on job interview because they do not know exactly what companies want. Therefore, universities have to offer more courses because students lack information. (뭐에 대한 정보가 부족하다는 건가요? 직업에 대한 정보라는 건가요? 어떤 직업을 갖기 위해서는 어떤 skill 들이 필요하고 이력서는 어떻게 작성하고 하는 것 등등이요? 그런데 이 부분이 윗 문단에서 언급하셨던 the more courses students take, the more knowledge they can get 과 구별될 수 있을만한 구체적인 설명이 필요합니다. 그렇지 않으면 전반적으로 바디 1과 유사한 내용이 되어버립니다.) There is a good example supporting this idea. When I was a university student, I was planning to visit other countries for relieving my stress caused by complex school works. However, universities forced me to take a class on skills of presentation during vacation. In fact, it was very helpful for me to learn skills that are essential for my work. In this sense, universities should provide students with a great amount of information through a lot of courses.
To sum up, I totally would like to say that universities and colleges have to provide students with plenty of courses for students’ future. The reasons why I think like this are that taking more classes enables students to have a good job and, at the same time, helps students to know more information about job-interview. (결론에 와서야 학생들에게 부족한 정보가 job interview와 관련한 것이라는 것을 알 수가 있네요. 앞에서 먼저 언급하실 필요가 있습니다. 또한 이것을 언급하시려면 예로 드셨던 내용보다는 job interview 과 직접적으로 관련있는 다른 예를 서술하셔야 할 것 같습니다.)
처음 두 문단은 상당히 clear 하게 잘 하셨습니다. Body2 에 와서 집중력이 조~금 떨어지신 것 같은데, 다시 한번 문맥과 내용들 확인하시면서 보충해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고하셨습니다! ^^ |