▶ Your Answer :
I lived in Seoul but my hometown is in Gyung gi province, which where is smaller town than Seoul. Living in Seoul, the capital of South of Korea, and in small town such as Gyung gi province has merits and demerits respectively. Given the choice between a big city like Seoul and a small town such as my hometown, from my experience, I would choose living in a big city.
The first reason is that a big city such as Seoul (이런 표현은 이미 인트로에서 충분히 사용하였으니 일반화하셔서 단순하게 big city, urban area 정도로만 쓰시면 되겠습니다) is a convenient place. It is evident that big cities are more convenient than small towns. (첫 문장의 반복일 뿐입니다. 지워주세요) This is because there are a number of convenient facilities in urban area where many people are living in lives in big cities, there should be many convenient facilities. For example, public transportation like buses, subways and taxis are well equipped in Seoul. When I lived there, I had no difficulty in moving around the city. While in my hometown, even though there were are enough number of public transportations, they, especially the buses, were not used to don’t arrive on time and as well the drivers drove so wildly that I was am always scared of whenever getting on the bus. I think this is because in my hometown there are less people employing the public transportations (무슨 말인가요?) than in Seoul so that those are not systematized in my hometown. (facilities 라고 한다면 시설에 조금 더 초점이 맞춰져야 할 것 같군요.)
Also, many another facilities such as movie theaters, galleries and performing theaters are in big cities. (여기서 facilities 를 쓰실 것이라면 차라리 앞 문단에서는 구체적으로 transportation system 을 핵심으로 잡으시는 것이 바람직하겠습니다.) (차라리 첫 문장을 도시에서는 문화생활을 쉽게 즐길 수 있다. 그 다음 supportive sentence 로 지금 첫 문장에 쓰신 것을 쓰시면 더 좋은 구성이 될 것 같습니다.) For this reason, people in big cities can enjoy varied cultural life. I could have various opportunities to go to a theater and watch art paintings or performances like such as a play when I lived living in Seoul. However, in my hometown there were are no galleries and performing theaters but only two small movie theaters. So, if I wanted to enjoy art paintings or performances, I should go (to where? Specify it.) far from my hometown and this made me spend more time and much money not only costs much money but also spends much time. (서울에 산 것도 hometown 에 산 것도 모두 과거로 하면 되는건가요? 현재 살고 있는 곳은 어딘지에 따라서 시제에 차이가 있을 것 같습니다. 이 점 염두해두시고 시제 부분 신경쓰셔서 수정하시면 좋을 것 같습니다.)
The last reason I prefer to live in a big city is that there are many part-time jobs. (why do you think so? Supportive sentence 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다!) As I should earn spending money, I often find a part-time job. While There are less various opportunities to get a job having a job in a small town than in a big city. If I were in Seoul, I would work on galleries, theaters and so on. However, I can only work in choose only among a staff of a convenient store, a counter of a big supermarket and a worker of factories in my hometown.
To be concluded, living in a big city which offers convenient public transportation system, cultural facilities and variety of choosing a part-time job is better for people. This all thanks to the higher population in a big city and this makes the diversity. (굳이 필요하지 않은 문장입니다.) After all, diversities in a big city will enable our lives not only to be more affluent but also to be more convenient.
글 전반적으로 본인이 서울에 살 때와 고향에 있을 때를 비교하셨는데 일단은 시제가 완벽하지 않아서 구체적인 면들을 살리거나 더 효과적인 비교를 하기가 애매했음을 알려드립니다. 또한 글 전체가 자신의 이야기로만 되어 있다보니 설득적이라는 생각은 들지 않습니다. 글의 흐름과 방향 그리고 예시까지 큰 변화를 주시는 것이 좋겠습니다. 수고하셨습니다! ^^ |