▶ Your Answer :
Many people said that children are able to prepare for their future by doing part-time job. Some people may be opposed to this because they think that studying is better way to prepare for future than working part time job. Thus, the jury may still be out, but as far as I am concerned, I believe that children will be encouraged to nurture their responsibility by taking a part-time job. The rationale behind this is that children can develop their responsibility (responsibility 에 대한 내용이 반복이 되었네요~) and can realize value of money.
I have the same mind of aforementioned principle for the reason that experiencing a part-time job encourages young people to develop their responsibility. It is evident that children should go to their workplace as well as do their best to earn money. Children could become more responsible since they should be on time to come to the office and to complete their given tasks as other adult employees. (학생이라고 해서 어떠한 excuse 도 허락되지 않기 때문에 등의 근거도 responsibility를 가질 수 밖에 없는 이유 중의 하나라고 할 수 있겠죠?) For example, when I was twenty, I firstly took a part-time job in a bakery. I had to smile always at customers and be careful in treating them. Also, I had to arrive at the bakery at 5:00(,) because I should be ready for shift. I could learn how to manage my time and how to serve customers from my experiences in bakery. (어떤 면에서 responsibility 를 갖게 되었는지와 더불어서 예와 본인의 의견을 종합하여 문장으로 정리해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.
Another reason that should be taken into consideration is that young people can realize the value of money by working part-time worker makes young people realize the value of money. (supportive sentence 를 서술하신 뒤, to be specific~ 으로 이어지는 것이 좋겠습니다.)To be specific, young people tend to underestimate the value of money or not to know how difficult earning money is to earn money. According to the research conducted by in Pusan National University, about 80 percent of students who have experienced side job at least over more than once have thorough spending plan and record expenditure regularly. In other words, working experience contributes for students to realize how valuable money is and to manage their earning/money wisely.
Subsequent to mulling this query, I have finally come to grasp that working experience makes young children learn the value of money as well as responsibility. Not only is students’ responsibility nurtured, but also, students’ learn how hard they earn money. (바로 앞 문장에서 간략하게 언급하셨습니다. 단순한 “내용의 반복” 인것 같습니다.) As a result, if it were up to me, I would consider part-time job as the best method to educate children.
전반적으로 잘 쓰셨습니다. 표현을 다양하게 할 수 있도록 여러 단어를 사용하시는 연습을 하시면 좋을 것 같고요! 항상 supportive sentence 잊지 마세요~ 수고하셨습니다! |