▶ Your Answer :
When I was in high school, classes which I took were normally class-oriented and basic study based on theory. It was not interesting at all to me and even to all students because it didn’t seem useful when we became adult. Therefore, I had thought that school should teach their students what which is more practical to use in real life to their students. Based on this experience, (자신의 입장이 이미 나왔습니다. 이 부분은 차라리 앞 문장 therefore 앞쪽에 나오는 것이 좋겠습니다.) I firmly believe that all high school students should take a course in a basic economics which is really beneficial to use in both normal life and work.
Firstly, I believe that learning basic economics at high school will be quite useful in normal life. Since most of people in the world have lived in democratic countries, everything in our life is working under economical base. (democratic 과 economy 가 연결되나요? democratic하면 “돈” 과 관련을 내용할 때 쓴다기 보다는 권리 쪽을 다룰 때 많이 언급하는 부분 아닐까 생각됩니다.) For example, we are using economical knowledge when we have to decide whether we save money or use it to buy something. (구체화 해주세요.) Additionally, if we are familiar with economics, it could be able to make us predict economic factors to change economical situation and earn money by investing money on stocks which have high possibility to increase value. According to the research, group A who took a class used their money more effectively with their economical knowledge than group B who did not take class In recent research, researched tested two groups of high school students, who one group took class and another didn’t. The result was the groups who took economics class use their money in the effective way with their economical knowledge. (예시도 구체적이지는 않습니다. 무슨 economic knowledge 를 어떤 상황에서 더 효과적으로 썼는지 등이 하나도 나와있지 않아서 설득적이지 않습니다.) It shows that economics should be taught to high school students for their bright financial future.
Secondly, economics is important for high school students because it is helpful to learn (왜 helpful 한지가 본인의 두 번째 이유가 되어야합니다. ) and use it to decide their job. Under rich information of economics, students can decide what kind of major they could take considering further economic changes economical future. I have seen many students who did not consider economical aspect of a major fall desperate position in current job market. On the contrary, students who have wide knowledge of economic chose to study potential field further bright major so that they could easily get a good job. When I chose what I study in university, I didn’t consider economical aspect and just pick up one major. Consequently, this decision had bad effect because it was quite too difficult to find right job since market relevant with my major was gloomy. Therefore, I repeat that it is important to have economical knowledge for the time when they choose jobs. (자꾸 economical aspect 를 언급하시는데 이것이 대학의 과를 결정하는데 얼마나 결정적인 영향을 미치는지에 대해서는 제대로 서술이 안된 것 같습니다. 왜 decide their job 하는데 좋은 것인지. 경제가 변하는 trend 를 읽을 수 있기 때문이다 등등의 구체적인 내용으로 expound 될 필요가 있습니다.)
To conclude, I strongly proclaim that economics class should be added in high school curriculum because it will be really beneficial in the normal life as well as in choosing job/work. The more practical class such as economics high school students study, the wiser life they will have in the future.
내용이 전반적으로 reasonable 하게 진행되지 않아 안타깝습니다. 인과관계나 연관성이 있는 문장들이 한 문장의 핵심내용을 뒷받침해줘야하는데 아직 그 부분에서 부족함이 보입니다. 이 점 생각하시면서 내용을 improve 하시기 위해 꾸준한 노력해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고하셨습니다~ |