▶ Your Answer :
Friends are one of the important things in people’s lives since they are the people who are reliable like a family. Therefore, it is great worth to discuss whether choosing friends who can give you help is better than or friends who can have fun with you. Although some people think that they should choose friends who can help them, I believe that friends who have fun with me bring several advantages over friends who can help me. In this essay, I will dearly show and develop what I think and why I think this way.
First of all, humorous friends can help people to release their stress. Generally speaking, most of the modern people have stress that sometimes cannot be understood by family but only understood by friends who get through similar stages of life. (이 문단의 핵심입니다. 스트레스를 해소하는데 도움이 되는데 특히나 친구들은 자신과 같은 것들을 경험하는 단계에 있기 때문에 “동질감” 같은 것들을 느끼게 해준다는 것이 글의 point가 되겠습니다. 물론, 그 가운데서도 humorous 를 강조해야겠죠!) If people are talking about the concern they have to family to just simply release their stress, it would rather become big concern on family, not only simple conversation. Therefore, if people have friends who are humorous, they would understand their situation and try to help them to release their stress by making a simple joke. (humorous 한 친구가 자신의 문제를 잘 이해하고 스트레스 해소에 도움이 된다는 내용은 들어갔는데요. 한 가지 아쉬운 것은 왜 하필 humorous 한 친구가 문제를 잘 이해할까요? 도움을 잘 줘서 유용한 친구도 분명 같은 stage of life 일텐데요.. 이 점은 그다지 clear 하게 정리되지 못했다고 생각합니다.) Here is a trust worthy research to illustrate the point. According to the KRI, the most famous research institution in Korea, 70 percent of people meet their friends to talk about their concern and making a simple joke to release their stress. This research demonstrates that humorous friends could help people to ease their stress. (첫 문장과 supportive sentence 의 역할을 하는 두 번째 문장의 내용이 적절하게 expound 되지 못한 글인 것 같습니다. Supportive sentence 의 방향을 다시 잡으시는 것이 좋겠습니다.)
Secondly, people who have relationship with their friends to just simply get help, the relationship cannot be prolonged if people always want to use others when they need. (supportive sentence 써주세요) It does not take genius to know that people faced various problems in their lives. Sometime, people can get practical help from their friends but this is not always true. Therefore, it is better for people to choose friends who can have fun with you(항상 친구들에게 도움을 받을 수 있는 것은 아니기 때문에 도움을 줄 수 있는 친구보다는 유머러스한 친구를 만드는 것이 낫다는 논리로 쓰신 건가요? 그런데 이해가 잘 안됩니다. 윗 문단에서 스트레스를 해소하는 것도 결국은 친구의 도움이라고 할 수 있지 않나요?) since the relationship between friends who want help could be easily broken when friends cannot give actual help. Here is my personal experience to clarify the point. I became close friends with, Sarah, by giving help on doing math research. I was pleasure to give her help on math since I was really good in math. However, when she asked me about history course, I could not give a help at all. After that day they, she made another friend who can give her help in history course and did not talk to me except when she need a help to solve mathematical problems on math. After that incident, I stop talking to Sarah since I was so upset about her Sarah’s behavior. If she regarded me as fun and friendly friends, she would keep relationship with me but because of the Sarah’s behavior, I stop talking to her. This example shows that relationship with friends who can only help you cannot last be extend long.
In conclusion, I think people should choose friends who can have fun with them. This is not only because they can help their friends release stress release people’s stress but also because relationship between friends can be kept forever be prolonged. Therefore, I would suggest people to choose friends who can make a joke with you easily.
글의 흐름이 분명하지가 않습니다. 처음부터 재밌는 친구를 사귀는 것이 낫다는 것인지 아니면 단순히 “재밌는 시간을 함께할 수 있는 친구”를 사귀는 것이 낫다는 것인지 clear 하게 나타나지 않았고, 이러한 점들이 본론으로 가면서 흐름을 조끔씩 흔들리게 한 것 같습니다. 글의 방향을 손 보시면 좋을 것 같구요, body 1 과 2 모두 첫 문장과 두번째 문장 더 clear 하게 서술하신 뒤 이어지는 내용의 흐름도 정리해보시면 더 깔끔하고 논리적인 글이 될 수 있을 것 같습니다. 수고하셨습니다. |