▶ Your Answer :
Nowadays being a follower is easier than being a leader since they don’t need to make a decision by themselves. I fully agree with the statement that, however, being a leader is better than being a follower. (이 문장 조금 애매했네요~ the statement 라고 하면 보통 앞에서 제시된 문장을 가리키기 위해 씁니다. 그런데 이 경우에는 뒤에 나오는 문장을 말하는 것이었네요? However 를 쓰시고 싶으시다면 I believe, however, being a leader~~ 이렇게 써주세요~) Not only can leader can be independent and mature but also they are not don’t need to be interrupted by other people’s different and unlike thoughts.
First, by being a leader, people know how to solve problems in the society by themselves. why do you think so? 이 것이 인트로에서 첫번째로 언급된 근거, independent and mature 할 수 있다는 것을 말하는 건가요? 리더로서 독립적으로 판단하고 성숙할 수 있는 “기회를 갖게 된다” 는 측면에서 쓰시면 더 좋을 것 같아요. 이 문장은 마치 리더인 사람은 이미 다 해결책을 알고 있다는 느낌을 줍니다. In a group, a the person who has to decide what to do is a leader not a follower. Based on various options/ choice, they (누구를 말하는거죠? Leaders 라고 분명하게 써주세요~ 앞문장의 것을 받으려고 하셨다면 복수로 하시면 안되죠! A person 이라고 쓰셨었잖아요~) learn how to choose the best one option among them and build the ability to make wise decision when they encounter problems. According to Korean Credit Bureau’s survey, presidents of the fifty the biggest fifty companies answered that the most important factor for success is experiences of leaders in childhood. (? 무엇을 support 하는 survey 인가요?) Unanimously they say that they’ve learned how to survive and win among the group members when they led a group did a leader. They added up that if they were follower of someone then it was impossible for acquiring beneficial skills such as leadership. Therefore, I strongly assert that people should be a leader for achieving skill celebrities have. (위에서 말씀드린 것처럼 leader 로서 훈련되어진다는 개념으로 이 내용을 쓰셔야 할 것 같은데.. 흐름이 조금은 다른 방향으로 잡혔고, 그래서 더 clear 하게 설명이 되지 못한 것 같네요.)
Second, they don’t need to conflict with other’s opinion. The role of a leader is making a decision among the options made by other people or himself. Since we are living in the competitive society, there are a lot of works that give strong pressures makes stress. As a leader, he By doing a leader, people can reduce time to think of others’ opinion and pursue what he thinks the time getting stress from decisions that opposite their thinking. For example, I am used to be a leader often be a leader when there is presentation in classes. Even though there is a burden, even though, on taking a responsibility for the I am responsible for result of presentation(,) during preparation, I can escape stressful situation that I have to follow the decision while I prepare for presentation with group members although I counter the decision. It is easy for leaders people to relieve stress when they decide to be a leader. (불필요한 콤마는 사용하지 않도록 해주세요~)
In conclusion, I definitely agree to the statement that people should be a leader. By doing so, they can learn/ gain know-how for success in the society. Additionally, they can have skills for relieving stress appropriately and effectively.
내용의 흐름을 다시 한번 점검해보셨으면 좋겠습니다. Reasonable 한 이유를 제시하고 있는지 또 그에 맞는 supportive 한 sentence 를 쓰고 있으며 설득력이 있는 문장들로 글이 구성되었는지 등을 꼼꼼하게 체크해보시면 글 쓰시는 데 도움이 많이 될 것 같습니다. 수고하셨습니다~ |