▶ Your Answer :
Families and friends who have known people well can provide good advices when they are in trouble. However, the advices from close people might rarely be objective(,) because they families or friends make a lot of efforts to appease the people rather than to advise to them. Close people, families or friends, people 그리고 them 까지… 정확하게 의미가 전달되지 힘들 수 밖에 없겠죠? 조금 더 clear 하게 해보세요.. 누구에서 advice 를 얻고, 누구한테 주고.. 이 관계가 너무 많은 people, friends, family 등등 때문에 헷갈려지고 있습니다. Thus, I believe that people can learn more about life from firsthand experiences and books. 이게 본인의 입장입니다. 따라서 왜 그렇게 생각하는지에 대한 이유가 body 1, 2 의 첫 문장으로 나와주어야 합니다. There are some reasons as below.
To begin with, firsthand experiences can be the best teacher in our lives. 위에서 말씀드렸듯, 이 부분은 자신의 의견일 뿐입니다. 첫번째 근거를 써주세요. It is because experiences engrave the lessons into people’s mind. (이게 오히려 첫 문장이 될 수 있겠습니다. Supportive sentence가지 써주세요~) The experiences which people went through in the past last in their minds for a long time. Contrary to firsthand experiences, although people might feel that they learn something from others at first, the advices from families or friends might be easy to forget later. 왜요? 왜 그렇게 되는걸까요? 본인의 의견을 타당하게 만들어줄 수 있는 문장이 바로 따라나와야 읽는 사람은 설득을 당하겠죠? For instance, when I got the driver license in college, my mother always told me that you should watch out for cars in the roads. At that time, I did was not so much care about what she told me. After three years later, however, I had a severe car accident. From that day, I am always careful whenever I drive a car of cars in the roads. Thus, I believe that people can more learn about their lives from firsthand experiences.
Secondly, books can provide more valuable lessons to people rather than friends or families. 역시나 intro 에서 이미 말한 자신의 입장입니다. 본론에서는 왜 그런 입장을 갖고 있는지 근거를 써주는 곳입니다! 두 번째 이유와 그에 대한 supportive sentence 써주세요. In general, it is because authors who write books have more diverse experiences in the past, and it might be helpful for readers to find solutions. Furthermore, books can provide more objective and realistic lessons about life to people rather than families or friends. (어떠한 이유로 책이 그러한 역할을 할 수 있다는 것인지에 대한 답이 아직 없습니다..ㅠ ) For instance, when I was in college, I concerned about my career in the future, and my parents recommended to me that it is better to find jobs which I want. I knew that it was ideal answer, but for me, finding what I want was quite difficult. However, when I read the self-help books, I could decide that I would be an economist. Therefore, I believe that books can provide more worthy and realistic lessons to people. (책이 도움이 됐다 라고 서술을 하실 거면 “예”라고 할 수 없죠. 책의 어떤 내용 때문에 어떠한 영향을 받았는지 그래서 미래의 꿈을 결정하는데 어떤 영향을 미쳤는지.. 이런 걸 써주셔야죠~)
All in all, families and friends can be good advisors, but firsthand experiences or books can be better way to learn about life. It is because people can memorize firsthand experiences longer than indirect experiences. Also, books can provide more valuable or realistic lessons to people. Therefore, I believe that firsthand experiences or books can be the best way to learn about life.
내용면에서 많은 개선이 필요하며 구체적인 부분들을 살려서 서술하실 필요가 있습니다. 수고하셨습니다. |