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Nowadays, recent tendency is that young people could not easily get a job even though they have better education than their parent generation do. It might be due to currently poor financial condition over the world/ of all nations/ of all of world but I believe that it is main cause of this disaster is that young people cannot identify what kinds of career or job lead them to have successful liefe access a success. Comparing with the past, recent prospect jobs are not easily predicted due to below reasons.
First of all, since there were only narrow range of jobs, people in the past could easily recognize what jobs were better in the future and tried to grab it. It was because people tended to choose their jobs according to their destiny which their parents gave them so only people who had proper background such as having money or brilliant brain tried to catch successful jobs. 처음 두 문장만 보면 과거에는 선택의 기회가 없었기 때문에 직장을 구하기 쉬웠다는 건가요? 그리고 인트로에서는 젊은 사람들이 “성공적인 삶을 살게 하는 직업의 종류를 몰라서” 직장을 잘 구하지 못한다고 했는데요.. 그것에 대한 이유를 body 에서 밝혀야하는데 과거에는 운명을 따라가면 됐기 때문에. 라는 이유를 제시하시는 것은 그다지 적절하지 않다고 생각됩니다. Therefore, 글의 흐름도 적절하지 않네요.. 갑작스럽게 “그러므로 정부 관련된 직업이~~ “ 이런식으로 흘러가네요.. 이 내용이 나오려면 앞에 그에 해당하는 이야기들이 제시되었어야합니다. in the past, good jobs were normally government-related jobs which needed to pass extremely hard test, like government officers or armies. Once they had these kinds of jobs, it was difficult to lose their wealth for their entire life. One of example, my grandfather was a government officer and he piled a lot of money until almost he was gone. (? Until he died 이 표현인가요?)It shows that having a good job which was definitely distinguishable was certain guaranty to be successful. 문장 간의 관계가 무엇인지 clear 하지 않으며 글의 흐름도 정확하게 파악하기 어렵습니다..
On the contrary, comparing with the past, choice of a good job is extremely difficult (? 좋은 직업을 고르는 것이 어렵다는 건가요? it is difficult to choose proper job which fit one’s personality 이런 의미인가요?) nowadays because things in modern time change too fast to predict near future. Due to development of technology(,) and the globalization, etc.., people have to receive a huge amount of information and it makes them not to clearly see future. It causes troubles which people face when they need a job because nobody assures that what kinds of jobs could be good for being rich. For example, one of my friends chose mechanic engineering as his major instead of electrical engineering when he became university student because he thought that he could easily get a job in the industry of mechanical products at that time. However, unfortunately, he had quite difficult time to get a job when he graduated because manufacture industry was declined. His experience getting job proves that it is difficult to predict trend of time which is critical to define good jobs.
To conclude, I strongly believe that in the past, it was easier to identify what types of jobs to secure successful future than nowadays because there was not various options to get good jobs in the past 이런 내용을 말씀하고 싶으셨던 것이라면 body 1 첫 문장에는 there was few options ~ 이런 식으로 쓰시는 것이 좋겠습니다. and rapid change of modern tread disturb to choose suitable jobs for success.
의미가 제대로 전달되지 못한 부분이 많은 것 같습니다. 논리적으로 글을 진행하시는 것도 연습이 많이 필요할 것 같습니다. 글을 쓰시기 전에 깊이 생각해보시고 탄탄하게 글을 구성하시는 것을 먼저 하신 후 글을 쓰시기 시작하신다면 조금 더 논리정연한 글을 쓰실 수 있지 않을까라는 생각이 듭니다. 수고하셨습니다~ |