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Some people would say that spending their free time without planning is best way to enjoy spare time. However, in my opinion, people should decide what they will do for free time before the time comes as they can enjoy more their spare time by saving money and reducing stress.
To begin with, people can save more money if they plan in details. supportive sentence 가 없습니다. 왜 돈을 더 절약하실 수 있다고 하는 것인지 구체적으로 드러내주세요. Usually, most people's spare time is weekend; and at weekend, everything is more expensive than week. Therefore, it is wiser to search discount coupon in advance and to look for other information about special sale/discount if people search discount coupons or reserve services for activities, it would help them to spend their hard earned money reasonably. Reserve services for activities 하면 싸다는 말은 어디에도 없는데, 주말에는 비싸지므로 예약을 하면 돈을 현명하게 쓸 수 있다 라는 문장은 therefore 로 연결시키시에는 무리가 있습니다. 논리적 연결! 기억하세요~ For example, two weeks ago, I watched NANTA, which is my favorite performance. Before I went to a theater to enjoy the performance, I reserved the ticket with family because I already knew that there was family discount ticket is expensive so if I reserve ticket with family, I can be offered family discount. As a result, I received 20% discount and had spend great time with family. This shows how important planning ahead for free time is.
On top of that, people can reduce stress more efficiently. People who don't have special plan are likely to waste time by making decisions on the valuable free time. 이거는 시간 절약과 관련된 내용이지 스트레스를 줄이는 것과는 큰 관련이 없어보입니다. 따라서 두 번째 문장에 오기는 적합하지 않은 것 같습니다. 적절한 supportive sentence 를 넣어주세요~This will ultimately reduce the time to enjoy fun activities. Also, if they decide to go out, they might be frustrated and regret not planning ahead because they don't know the opening hour and close hour of activity centers that they decided to go such as theater or swimming pool. 예시라고 하시엔 조금 덜 구체적이고 그냥 보충설명 문장이라고 하기엔 많이 narrow 된 듯 합니다. This would add more stress rather than reduce stress. 스트레스가 이번 문단에서 가장 많이 논의되어야 할 포인트임에도 불구하고 문단의 중간정도가 되어서야 겨우 나왔습니다.. 문단 전체적인 흐름 설정 다시 하시면 좋을 것 같습니다. The worst thing is that they should go back to work with unrevealed stress. 문장 전반적으로 “상황”을 나열해놓으시는데 이러한 것은 예시를 사용하실 때 언급하시는 것이 좋겠습니다. This will have bad impact on their tasks. There is a research asking workers whether they planned for coming holiday that did day have a plan for coming holiday. According to the survey, 80% of people who answered that they already planned for holiday, came back work without stress. 질문 내용은 계획을 짰느냐 아니냐인데, 어떻게 결과는 계획을 짰던 사람들은 스트레스를 해소하고 출근했다가 될 수 있죠? On the other hand, most of people who answered that they didn't one, came back work with more /added stress. This shows people who have planned for free time can reduce more stress than people who didn't have one.
To sum up, I strongly believe that planning ahead for free time is far-sighted seeing behavior as they can save money and work more productively without stress. 이게 far sighted behavior 이라고 할 수 있을까요? ㅠㅠThere is nothing more important than enjoying life. People earn their money not only to support themselves in financially but also to spend it for their happiness cost their vacation fee. However, people are likely to screw up their vacation without plan. Therefore, planning for free time is one of the most important thing people should do first.
내용이 억지스럽게 진행되지 않도록 여러 번 생각하시고 구성해보신 후 쓰시는 것이 좋겠습니다. 일단은 시간에 쫓겨서 쓰지 마시고 여유를 가지시고 완벽하게 쓰는 데 초점을 맞추시는 게 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고하셨습니다~ |