Students are influenced more by their friends than by their teachers.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Many people think that students are heavily influenced by their teachers, as they learn many things from teachers. So Thus we sometimes neglect the existence of their friends, who actually have more influential power.(So, But으로 시작하는 구어적 표현보다는 Therefore, However, Hence 등 가능한 문어체 표현을 써 주는 것이 좋습니다.) I think that students are influenced more by their friends than by their teachers, and my opinion can be greatly substantiated by the reasons addressed below.
First and foremost, students have more time to share with their friends than teachers. To put it another way, having more time with friends in daily life means they are more likely to be influenced by each other. Whether they are in class classroom or after school, ("수업중이나 방과후"의 뜻으로 사용할 경우 in class가 더 적절할 것 같아요) they are almost surrounded by their friends all the time. Thus the possibility of being influenced by his or her friends is high. 주장에 대한 구체적인 설명을 잘 풀어주셨습니다. One research illustrates this argument clearly. According to the study, people have a tendency to mimic their thinking and behavior with those who share much time. The student surveyed were asked to answer the questions, such as "Who is the most important person in your daily life?", "Are you inclined to follow your peer's thinking and behavior?", "What is the reason that you mimic your thinking and behavior of him or her?" Around 87% of the students answered that they were highly influenced by their friends, and sharing much time with them was the most important reason why they followed their friends. The result reflects that there really exists 'peer pressure', which means that the youth are influenced by their friends. 주장을 뒷받침하기 위한 구체적인 사례를 잘 제시해주셨습니다^^ survey가 어디에서 진행된 것인지 (대학이나 잡지 등) 가공해서 함께 덧붙이는 것도 예증 자료의 신빙성을 높이는 데 도움이 될 것 같아요.
Second, students can share their hobby with their friends easily than with their teachers students. As the hobby is one of the main factors to share time and common interest, those who share hobby are more likely to become similar each other. There is a gap between students and teachers, in terms of age, physical ability, living environment, etc. That is, the generation gap makes it difficult for students to share their hobby with teachers difficult. (make, find, think 등의 목적어가 to부정사나 ing구문일 경우 it으로 대체해서 씁니다. ex. make it easy to-v, find it difficult to-v) For example, I really like playing basketball with people, so I usually make up the team to enjoy my hobby. As the playing basketball is generally tough and physically challenging, I cannot enjoy playing basketball with my homeroom teacher, who are is old and do does not like sports activities, even if even though she is a really good person. Because of this difference, I do not have many things to share with when I meet her, except for study. Naturally, I become am more influenced by my friends who enjoy playing basketball and have more common things to share. 알맞은 사례입니다. 이 경우에 현재형으로 제시하는 것도 좋지만, 특정 시기를 언급하며 어릴 때 나는 야구를 좋아했는데 이러이러했다, 하는 식으로 과거를 회상하는 식으로 쓰는 것도 좋겠습니다. 과거의 경험담으로 제시할 경우 '시간이 지난 후에 객관적으로 보니' 하는 부분을 전제로 하기 때문에 더 신빙성있는 느낌을 줄 수 있거든요^^
All in all, if I closely look into the young students' daily life, I can conclude that students are more influenced by their friends than teachers, because of sharing more time and hobby. Hence, I can say this as 'birds of a feather flock together.' '유유상종'이라는 말이 결론파트에 어울릴지 모르겠습니다. 비슷한 성향의 사람들이 같이 모이게 된다는 내용이 곧 비슷한 사람들에게 영향을 받는다는 내용은 아닐 수 있으므로 결론에 배치하는 것보다는 body2의 "친구들과 성향이 비슷하기 때문에 hobby를 같이 즐길 수 있다"는 내용에 첨가하는 편이 더 어울릴 것 같아요.
주제에 대한 나의 입장을 설명하기 위한 근거를 잘 생각해주셨습니다. body2의 hobby에서 한 번 더 취미를 '공유'하는 것이 곧 '영향력을 행사하는 것'이라는 부분을 같이 언급하는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. 주제에 대한 구체적인 설명이나 사례 제시도 충분히 잘 된 글입니다. 몇가지 문법실수만 조심하시면 충분히 높은 점수 받으실 수 있을 것 같아요. 독립형 답안에서는 아래 다섯가지 요소를 평가의 기준으로 두고 채점하니 연습하실 때 참고하세요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 필승님 화이팅!
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity