Movies are worth watching only when they teach us something about real life.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
People have a different ideas about whether movies are worth watching only when they teach us something about real life. Of course, the valuable movies always give us an a opportunity to look over our life, do you believe that a movie is only worth when they let us to learn about real life? (의문형, 청유형의 문장은 가능한 사용하지 않는 편이 좋으니 참고하세요) I strongly disagree with the given statement because of the following reasons.
First of all, a movie helps us escape from a real life. As a matter of fact, in modern society, there are a lot of things which lead us be worn wear us out and we are given stressful situations surrounding us. As a result, many people dream of not being isolated from a the real life and as a way to escape from their problems, they come by a theater to spend a time for their recreation. Especially, a movie give them a prescription to recover tired mind. 주제에 알맞은 주장과 구체적인 설명이 잘 제시된 body입니다. For example, when I broke up with my girl friend, I was hurt and every thing coming into my eyes was reflected like the negative. The thing situation where I wanted to only laugh and be happy led me to the a movie theater to see a comedy movie by myself among anonymous people. By seeing movie, I could not help laughing and too much funny scenes made make me laugh finally and then my darkness was covered by my laughing and then what I learned was living my joyful life with laughing. 문장이 불필요하게 깁니다. 불가피하게 내용 전달을 위해 길어지는 문장이 아니라면 끊어주는 것이 더 좋습니다. 하나의 문장이 여러가지 내용을 담고 있는 경우 내용 전달이 명확하지 못한 글이 됩니다. <약 2시간 가량의 코미디 영화를 보면서 등장하는 여러 우스운 장면을 보면서 나는 아무런 걱정 없이 웃을 수 있었다 / 이를 통해 나의 어두운 현실을 잊을 수 있었고 / 나는 다시 즐거운 삶을 살자는 의욕을 얻게 되었다>하는 식으로 내용단위로 끊어주세요. From my experience, I strongly believe that movies give us a priceless chance to take a recreational time.
Secondly, movies broaden our thinking even though they are not about the reality. As a matter of fact, the trend in the on modern society 쉼표삭제 requires us to be creative by making something new ceaselessly to survive. However, it is not easy to be shown up a creative thinking to us. What do we have to do for our fresh ideas The key to be creative depends on escaping from the ordinary life and movies which are movie genre of fantasy would help you to think more and more. 현실과 관련되지 않은 내용의 영화라고 하더라도 상상력을 기르는 데 도움이 된다, 하는 내용을 설명하기 위해서 creative를 어떤 방식으로 촉진해주는지에 대한 설명이 필요합니다. To be specific, For example, SF movies does not only show us an impossible thing. Not only that, but it will give you a challenging mind but also, and breaks up the social rule achieved. In my case, by seeing the SF movie, as a designer, not only I was challenged from the fresh idea in the movie but also then adjusted something new to the furniture like a flying bed. Such an idea comes from the scene stimulating me to be more creative. As a result, not only I was applauded applause by my customers but also, as well as I got the prize as a man of creative designers in the working place. Thus, I strongly believe that unrealistic movies are is good for to broaden our popping up ideas. not only/but also 구문이 너무 많습니다. 충분히 다른 구문을 사용해서도 문장을 전개할 수 있으니 비슷한 구조의 문장이 반복되어 등장하지 않게끔 수정해주세요.
Too To sum up, I disagree that movies are only worth watching when it comes to they teach us something about real life. That's because with out without teaching wisdom, a movie can be is beneficial for enhancing fresh idea and making up happy.
논제에 대한 나의 입장을 뒷받침하기에 타당한 근거들을 잘 생각해주셨습니다. 다만 이 주장에 대한 구체적인 설명을 풀어내는 과정에서 내용이 주제에서 벗어나게 되거나 피상적인 내용의 반복이 되지 않도록 논제가 묻는 내용에 초점을 두고 구체적으로 서술해주세요. 주장에 대한 설명과 사례부분에 살을 더 붙여서 내용 보완해주시고 분량 만들어주세요. 문법오류가 많으니 문법 체크할 시간을 충분히 염두에 두시고 글을 작성하는 것이 좋습니다. 단어들 역시 같은 단어의 반복적인 사용 대신 다양한 단어를 활용해서 글을 구성해준다면 좋겠습니다^^ 코멘트 참고하셔서 내용 수정보완해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!