Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
University athletic departments should receive the same amount of funding as university libraries.
Use specific reasons and example to support your answer.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
There is a controversy as to whether university should invest equal amount money in sports as academic facilities or not. Some people contend that the schools should fund more money to academic facilities than sports, since it could help student to prepare employment. However, from my point of view, university should invest same money in athletic departments. This is mainly because sports make students stay health and foster social skills.
There is a controversy as to whether university should invest equal amount money in sports as academic facilities or not. Some people contend that the schools should fund use more money for academic facilities than sports, since it could help student to prepare employment. However, from my point of view, university should invest same money in athletic departments. This is mainly because sports make students stay health and foster social skills. 주제와 나의 입장을 간결하게 잘 소개한 서론입니다.
First of all, sports paly a pivotal role in staying students’ fit. One significant reason is that regular exercises exercise (exercise는 불가산명사이므로 단수표현 a나 복수표현s를 붙이지 않습니다.)reduce chance to happen prevent many kinds of disease such as hypertension, diabetes and obesity. Not only that, but sports strengthen students’ bone, muscles and joint. To illustrate this point, my young brother led a sedentary life by being glued by a to computer games. As a result, he was losing his health and getting fat. However, after following doctor's advice, he joined a table tennis club offered by school. As he did sports on a daily basis, he lost lose considerable weight and regained regain fit. 스포츠가 fit을 유지하게 해준다는 내용은 '대학이 왜 스포츠시설에도 학업시설만큼 투자해야하는가'에 대한 답변이 되기는 어려울 것 같습니다. fit 을 유지한다는 것은 건강을 유지한다기보다는 옷에 잘 맞게끔 한다는 소리인데, 의도가 명확하게 전달되기 어려운 표현으로 보입니다. fit이라는 단어를 사용하기보다는 stay helthy, physical condition등의 단어를 사용해서 대학운동시설이 학생들의 건강을 유지하게 해줄 수 있고 건강을 유지하는 것이 학생들에게 왜 중요한지를 설명하는 식으로 푸는 것이 더 좋겠습니다.
More over, sports contribute to fostering students’ social skills. This is largely due to the fact that some sports require collective effort and cooperation. 바로 사례를 제시하기 전에 스포츠활동을 하면 어떻게 사교능력이 길러지는지에 대한 더 구체적인 설명과 이것의 중요성을 언급해서 '대학'이 투자할 필요가 있다는 것을 강조할 수 있도록 해주세요. The best example of this is a soccer. By playing soccer, students practice together and strive together to achieve same goal which is leading their victory. Soccer makes them communicate and interact with a lot of people who have different backgrounds. By talking and understanding teammates, students can enhance social skills. 주장을 뒷받침하기에 알맞은 내용의 사례입니다. 이러한 사례가 주장과 관련해서 어떤 점을 보여주는지 해석하는 문장을 덧붙여서 문단 마무리지어주세요.
Consequently, if we prudently reflect reflecting on it, it is not taxing to assume : university should invest same amount money in to sports as athletic departments. Not only can students stay fit, but students can foster social skills. All in all, funding money in athletic departments is wonderful way for students.
논제에 대한 나의 입장을 뒷받침하기에 타당한 근거들을 잘 생각해주셨습니다. 다만 이 주장에 대한 구체적인 설명이 빈약합니다. 설명을 풀어내는 과정에서 내용이 주제에서 벗어나게 되지 않도록 논제가 묻는 내용에 초점을 두고 서술해주세요. 주장에 대한 설명과 사례부분에 살을 더 붙여서 내용 보완해주시고 분량 만들어주세요. 단어들 역시 같은 단어의 반복적인 사용 대신 다양한 단어를 활용해서 글을 구성해준다면 좋겠습니다^^ 코멘트 참고하셔서 내용 수정보완해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!