Sometimes, we see people who commit a suicide on the television. Because of this, some people say that today's people are not happy. However, these people are having too narrow perspective and because it is a just a partial phenomenon. Hence, I strongly claims that today's people are happy. This is because there are enormous advancements in technologiy in this mordern society compared to the past. 글쓴이의 의견을 잘 표현한 paragraph 이에요. 앞으로 technology의 발전에 대해 이야기 할거라는 hint도 있고요.
To begin with, as many techonologies and our standard of living have been developed, it is possible for people to enjoy more comfortable and exciting activities such as in entertainment, sports and other experiences throughout the one's whole life. We are able to travel to foreign countries, try many delicious foods, take parts (or take a part) in sports and even explore the universe. These all things were not possible in the past without our mordern technologies and development in industry. For example, last year, I traveled to America with my grandmother. We was trip traveled (or went to) every corner of the New York city. When we came back to my our country, she said it was really happy and exciting. Likewise, today's many chances offer better opportunities to enjoy the world. 문장의 구성자체는 괜찮습니다. 하지만 technology의 발전이 사람들을 기쁘게 만든다는 내용과 뉴욕에 다녀오신 예제와 조금 더 연관성을 만들어 주시는 게 좋을 것 같습니다. 예를 들어--비행기의 발전으로 외국을 갈 수 있게 되었고. 그로 인해 사람들이 더 많은 것을 보고 느끼고 즐길 수 있게 되어서 행복하게 되었다—라고 써주시는 편이 좋을 것 같습니다.
Moreover, in the past, people was were busy finding something foods to eat in order to survive. This is the job which they have to do all day long for their surviving survival. However, nowadays, we can come up with our dreams and try to come true the goals. (문장의 의미가 정확히 파악되지 않습니다.) Trying to accomplish one's dream is really sastisfying activity. Although all people is having a have different economic circumstances, people can just try to achieve their dreams in suitable ways for their situation. In other words, we can think and try about our ideal dreams. Accoroding to the eminent research company called Happy Life, people feel a tremendous sense of happiness when they are thriving for their goals. It is a human's instinct and we can do it feel this happiness in this the technologically and substantially developed days society. (인트로 paragraph에서 사용하신 단어를 한두 개를 사용해주시는 게 전체적인 글을 엮는데 도움이 됩니다.) 전체적으로 너무 관대하게 이야기하시는 것 같습니다. 꿈을 이루는 것이 행복함을 높여 주는 요소 인데 구체적으로 technology의 어떤 발전이 꿈을 이루는데 도움이 되는지 조금만 더 자세히 써 주세요.
In a nutshell, today's people are very happy because today's technological advancement gives them a chance to try a variety of satisfying activities and opportunity to accomplish their dreams. The fact that people can try these things are absolutely brings them a sense of happiness.
전체적인 글의 흐름은 좋습니다. 하지만 technology의 발전과 사람들이 행복한 이유를 좀 더 자세하게 support하셔야 합니다. Example 이나 이유들이 너무 broad하고 연관성이 잘 보이지 않아요. 그리고 작성시간이 30분이 조금 넘던데, 시간단축에도 노력을 기울이셔야 합니다. 중간중간에 spelling error들이 좀 많아요. 영타를 실수 없게 치시는 것도 중요합니다. 전반적으론 자신의 의견을 끌어나가는 글인 것 같습니다. 수고하셨어요. 첨삭이 도움 되시길 바래요. |