With technological improvement, modern society is becoming more and more complex and fast-paced with the technology improvement. As a result, there are a myriad of things to decide our on daily basis. Some people might believe that most people want to avoid making a decision for themselves; they rather want for others to decide for them. However, I firmly think that people want to decide by themselves for themselves. This is due to the fact that, by doing so, they foster a sense of responsibility and determination. 좋은 intro paragraph입니다. 하지만 다음 paragraph로 넘어가기 위한 transition sentence를 마지막에 넣어 주는 것이 좋을 것 같아요.
First of all, making a decision helps people nurture a sense of responsibility. One significant reason is that people tend to comply to with their decision, and once they make a certain decision, they struggle to come true the decision make their decision to come true. For example, when I was a student in high school, I decided to become a lawyer as my career. Thus I determined my university and major to help prepare for the bar exam. Eventually I passed the exam owing to my apt decision. 처음 시작이 first of all 인데 앞의 intro paragraph과 연결이 부드럽지 못해요. 예를 들어 intro 마지막 부분에 어떠한 이유를 나열 할 거라는 것을 짧게 보여주시는 게 좋아요. 그리고 example에 시험을 통과한 것과 sense of responsibility를 연결해주는 문장을 1~2문장 더해주세요. Paragraph를 더 정돈되게 보이게 해줍니다.
On top of that, making a decision can make people develop determination. Enhancing a sense of determination needs to practice. The As more people encounter the situation to make a decision, the better they foster a sense of determination that is required to succeed in the society. According to the ministry of Labor of Korea in 2011, people at with high position in company are more likely to decide something significant well. This is because they had practice to make a decision on daily basis.
To sum up, since making a decision themselves enable people to enhance a sense of responsibility and determination, it is clear that people want to decide by themselves. Making a decision is hard work but it is worthy.
처음 연결부분만 빼면 전체적으로 좋아요. 마지막 conclusion paragraph를 좀 더 길게 강화시킬 필요는 있을 것 같아요. 첫 번째와 두 번째 이유를 한 문장으로 추려서 conclude 시켜주는 문장을 넣으면 좋겠습니다. 수고하셨습니다.