Some people assert that not all scientific discoveries should be shared with all the countries. They insist that governments should keep these discoveries as a secret for their own good for the countries. However, I think all scientific discoveries must be shared with everyone for two reasons, even if it is not your home country for two reasons. First, as the world is developing, the countries are becoming an one huge village. Second, sharing significant and scientific discoveries will be eventually be beneficial to your county someday.
좋은 시작이에요. 문장구성에만 조금 더 신경써주세요.
Some significant inventions in transportation and technology, like such as airplanes and internet, have brought all the countries closer to each other; now the world is often called as the globe village. Like the word, “village”, describes, the walls between the countries have been broken down over the centuries. We can see this through the international organizations. Some well-known international organizations, like UNICEF (United Nations International Children’s Emergency Fund), does not represent a single country, rather than that, in the organization, many countries gather around and try to make this the world a better place in peace.
기관의 명칭을 정확히 표기하시지 않으면 예시로 쓰지 않으시는 게 좋아요. 그리고 마지막에 세상이 하나가 되었기 때문에 discoveries들을 공유하는 게 좋다는 conclusion 문장을 마지막에 써주시는 게 좋아요. Paragraph가 더 정돈되어 보일 겁니다.
People often have these selfish thoughts that it is important not to share good informations with the other countries for their own good. However, they have to remember that sharing them with the other countries and working as one will eventually help them in the future. Let me take my country's experience as an example. As many people already know, not too long ago, about 60 years ago, Korea had to go through the hard times after the Cold War. Whole country was financially down financially, and people didn't have hope in their future. But, thankfully, many countries came to Korea to help us and taught us their developed science and technology, which has become became a footstone of Korea's development. And today, Korea has become one of these countries to go help the others.
위에서와 마찬가지로 한 paragraph를 정리해주는 문장을 하나 더하는 게 좋을 것 같습니다.
In conclusion, I think it is important to share all scientific discoveries with all the countries in the world for because of the reasons I mentioned above. Now, we are living in the globe village, so it is important to help each other and work as one. and also Governments and companies should also know that sharing and helping others will come back to them later someday in good ways.
Intro와 conclusion은 좋아요. Topic을 잘 이해하고 정확하게 자신의 opinion을 전달 하셨어요. Example들도 이유와 연결되어 있고요. 중간에 body paragraph들을 조금만 보완해주시면 될 것 같아요. 수고하셨습니다.