Groups and organizations have had a tremendous positive influence on individual’s lives from long ago. There are many reasons why I believe groups and organization is are important to individuals. They can protect individuals in from physical and psychological dangers and they can provide people with environments where people can work.
좋은 시작입니다.
First of all, groups and organizations can make people to protect themselves from outer problems and perils. For example, long before some civilizations were developed, pristine people had to get together to survive in dangerous environment. At that time, the most hazardous life creature was a dinosaur which was very huge carnivore carnivorous and very huge. It was too large and powerful for the people to fight individually survive when they are in individual. Therefore, for them to survive, they made clans and groups that to ensure to protect protection against the beasts. to them themselves against the beasts. As a result, the humans survive and they could found develop some civilizations. Otherwise, individuals who keep lived alone had to be eaten by huge and strong monsters. If groups were not created, humans would not live by now.
Secondly, some groups and organizations supply people with employment. Benefits of having a job we cannot overlook are should not be overlooked because it is very important in humans’ lives. Every people necessitate getting jobs. For instance, People who do not have a job cannot live in our societies because getting a job can make help us to buy somethings which is that are crucial when we are for living, such as foods, clothes and house. For example, when I got fired from my company I was in trouble. I had to eat lunch, prepare for coming winter, buying heavy, yellow outers and pay for my house guarantee money fee instantly. I recognized this: if I have no jobs that earn the offers some money, I cannot survive in this harsh society. Consequently, I strongly believe that groups and organizations play a positive role due to offer by offering occupations for us.
Of course, there are many individuals who live alone without groups’ helps. However, most people, like including myself, cannot live without groups and organization for because of these reasons above.
전체적인 내용의 흐름이나 의견표현이나 이유제시 등은 매우 좋은 것 같아요. 하지만 문법 쪽에서는 조금 고치셔야 할 것 같아요. 부가설명을 하는 글들을 많이 붙이시는 거 같은데 설명을 더 하고 싶으시면 차라리 문장을 끝맺으시고 새로운 문장을 시작해서 설명하는 편이 좋아요. 그 외에는 좋아요. 수고하셨습니다.