The issue at hand is whether telling the truth is the most critical factor in any people’s relationship. Although no one will deny the importance of the truth, I do not believe that telling the truth all the time is the absolute requirement in any relationship. Rather, it has to should be considered as some different conditions. In this essay, I am going to present three situations, where which the question of the topic questioned cannot be substansiated substantiated.
괜찮은 intro입니다. 하지만 topic에 대해서 직접적으로 서술해주시는 게 더 좋습니다. Topic이 prove될 수 없다고 쓰시는 것보단 topic에서 나온 단어나 표현을 직접적으로 사용해서 의견표현을 해주세요. 그리고 파란색으로 표시된 부분은 다른 표현으로 바꿔주시는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 너무 vague한 표현인 듯 하네요.
To begin with, there is a case when where always telling the truth all the time is not an essential consideration including such as in business relationship. Particularly, if you are a business manager, you will not be able to survive the harshy through harsh reality when if you have to tell the truth all the time. For instance, when you are selling some malfunctioning products, in order to make more profits, you will inform of advertise the products in a good way with a hypo. In the business relationship, this is a pretty common custom.
Another situation when telling the truth cannot be the essential consideration in any relationship is when you happen to meet someone on the street. For instance, assuming that someone whom you encounter ask you "How are you?" when you are really upset with your boyfriend. Do you think it is appropriate to respond by explaining explain your feelings of anger and frustrations to that person the encounter, instead of saying "Fine, Thanks."? Likewise, there are some unavoidable occasions situations when where telling the truth always cannot be the most important consideration in any relationship.
In brief, telling the truth without considering each occassion is not an essential factor for forming healthy relationship.
Can not은 띄어 쓰시지 마시고 붙여주세요. Cannot으로요. Conclusion이 너무 짧아요. 한문장만 달랑 써놓으시지 마시고 앞에 body paragraph에 쓰신 이유들을 간단하게 정리해서 써주세요. Body paragraph들에도 조금 더 supporting sentences들을 추가 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같아요. 수고 많으셨습니다.