▶ Your Answer :
As the society progresses, people are putting much significance in education. A sizeable percentage of people assert that it is more convenient for parents to educate their children in modern city than the old times. Nevertheless, some other people strongly disagree with the above contention. This disputed matter is regularly brought to mind. Logically, people who grew up from diverse environments maintain various understandings towards the issue. For my part, today's education is favorable in more ways than others think. There are several bases for why I agree with this perception and I want to delve into two of the most significant ones here. (지금 서론의 내용이 너무 길어요.. 필요한 내용만 써주시고 본론에 신경써주세요. 그리고 지금길이가 본론보다 더 길면 또다른 문제가 됩니다. 본론의 내용이 더길어야 해요 ㅠㅠ.)
The first reason for my opinion is that can be seen by every person is that on-line education system is cheap and convenient. Topic sentence 짧게해주세요. ) In other words, on-line education program is so diverse and cheap and thus, students would be able to learn in anytime, anywhere.
For example, my son is 19years old and he makes it a rule to study on-line after going back home. He doesn't need to make a time to study any more owing to on-line program. (여기서 아래같이 가지마시고, 앞에 언급된 문장을 더 support 해주는 형식으로 나아가주세요)
Many experts says that on-line education system has a variety of contents and it is a trend to our society. (이 부분은 더정확하게 제시를 해줘야합니다 그러지 않는한 쓰지않는게 더 나아요.) This shows that most students could have more chance to study easily in modern society through internet.
Another crucial element why I believe the contention is that there are many places where students can experience and learn new information. For instance, my daughter, Jisu, is a middle school student. We go to the museum and theater whenever she has a free time. When I was 15years old, I was home on every weekend. This is because there are not many chance to go out. My daughter likes to study a history and she always tries to join a cultural program. Thus, I believe that students have more chance to study in modern society. (영화관, 그리고 박물관만 언급하시지마시고 그곳에서 구체적으로 배울 수 있는 점들을 정확히 묘사해주세요. 그렇지 않으면 설득력이 전혀 없습니다. 왜냐면 educational 하다는게 가장중요한 목표인데, 그걸 뭉게버리는듯한 느낌이들어요.
According to what was earlier substantiated, we may, in the end, deduce that parents would be able to educate their children through on-line program and cultural activities. As I mentioned above, there are many facilities to learn and parents should guide their children to acquire it.
Comment: 헷갈리는게... 주제에서는 parents to educate children인데.. 부모라는 존재가 이 에쎄이에서 필요한지, 안한지가 의문이 가네요. 만약 부모님아래에서의 교육이라면, off topic일 가능성이 많고, 아니라면 괜찮고요..ㅎㅎ 일단 topic sentence에서, 짧게가주세요. 그리고 문장 문장마다 짧게 끊어서 나가주는걸 추천드립니다. 그리고 Supporting idea가 너무부족해요 예시에서, 꼭참고해주세요. |