▶ Your Answer :
Before I enrolled in college, I concerned about if the major course I chose fir to me or not When I enrolled in college before, I concerned about major which I chose is appropriate to me or not. (전공으로 무엇을 할지 고민했다는건가요? 아니면 이미 고른 전공이 나에게 맞는지 아닌지를 고민했다는 건가요?) Meanwhile, my friend, Choi, worried about future job. (갑자기 이 이야기는 왜 나오는 건가요? 문장들이 자연스럽게 연결되지 않습니다.ㅠㅠ) For many reasons, people attend college, but I think that they study at college due to three reasons: Among many reasons that make people enter college, I think three main reasons are to get a job, for a future career, to take learn a high education(,) and to have experience. (맨 처음 두 만중과 그리 큰 관련이 있지는 않아보입니다.)
Above all, it is the most important to people that they can get a proper job. This is because a job is their means/source of living People need jobs to live themselves. These days, the job market is very competitive. People have to prepare to get jobs. College is good place to prepare for better job since it offers lots of programs such as good choice about to getting a nice job. Not only they teach students that companies need knowledge, but also they prepare programs to get a job: work shop, forum, internship(,) and seminars(,) etc. Therefore students can choose that jobs which are appropriate for them.
Though, realistic circumstance is important, high education to fulfill inquiring mind for student is important too. (무슨 문장인지 잘 모르겠어요..ㅠ Second, accumulated knowledge is important in society) At college, students have the opportunity to increase their knowledge. Once they decide what to study, they could earn deep knowledge and friends who have same interest to them (As they decide what they want to study, they can pursue their studies, (ßthey decide what they want to study 와 크게 다른 의미를 나타내지는 않습니다.) also they interact with their class mates, they can learn a lot about themselves.) (ß 이 문장을 바꿔서 써보긴 했는데요… Knowledge 만 강조되어야할 부분에 relationship 까지 추가되어버렸네요. 글의 흐름이 여러 갈래로 나뉘지 않도록 주의해주세요) In addition to the high education related to their career, colleges help students to choose jobs exactly through teach high education. (이 내용은 이미 body 1에서 이야기 끝난 내용입니다.ㅠ)
Students also go to college to have new experience. Most students live separated their family. It is their first time away from home. (meet new people 을 쓰기 위해서 가족과 떨어져서 산다는 내용이 필요하지는 않을 것 같습니다.) At college, they can meet new people from many different places. They can experience new circumstance. (첫 문장의 단순한 반복입니다.) It encourages students to improve sense of independence.
To conclude, colleges help students prepare for their career, master their fields and have more experiences treat much more than career preparation. They offer the opportunity to have new experiences and to learn high education. I think all of these are reasons why people attend college.
글 전반적으로 보면 반복되는 내용이 많고 각 문단별로 내용도 섞여있습니다. 한 문단에서는 하나의 근거만을 가지고 이야기할 수 있도록 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 각 문단의 내용을 탄탄하게 뒷받침해주는 문장도 별로 없어서 길이도 부족합니다. 지금 가장 시급한 건 문장을 제대로 쓰는 것입니다. 관사에 대한 고민은 잠시 접어두시고요~ Simple sentence를 쓰는 연습을 충분히 필요할 것 같습니다~ 수고하셨습니다! ^^ 좋은 하루 되세요~~~ |