▶ Your Answer :
College gives students many opportunities that they have not tried before entering school. Students had studied only for being admitted into admitting the university so they had not had chances to study that they were interested in. They can meet their desire as exploring what they had not known. Some argue that university students need to study their majors. However, I believe that university students should take many classes. (문장이 의미는 전달이 되지만 자연스럽게 연결이 되지 못하고 있는 것 같습니다. 이 부분만 좀 개선하면 좋을 것 같습니다)
To begin with, they can meet different people in different classes. (unlike high school, students in university can make their own schedule so that there are higher possibility to meet more people. 이런식으로 meet different people in different classes 를 보충설명해주세요.) It makes students know that there are many people that have different thoughts and (more) mature as they learn how to treat take different people. Also, they can share more their thoughts with people in different fields after they broaden their knowledge. (여기까지는 expound 되었다기 보다는 다양한 사람들을 통해 얻게 되는 장점을 열거했습니다. 아예 첫 문장부터 다양한 사람들을 통해 자신을 발전시킬 수 있다 등의 내용이 나오면 더 좋았을 뻔 했습니다.) For example, I took have taken a biology class. I just wanted to know what kind of functions our bodies have. After taking it, I came to Hawaii for visiting my aunt and cousin. My aunt is a nurse and I can talk about a lot of knowledge in nursing with my aunt. (이 내용과 앞의 내용들이 어떤 관련성이 있는지 고민해보실 필요가 있습니다.) I didn’t know as much as my aunt, but I could can understand what she talked about based on the knowledge that I took in the biology class and she even as well as she complimented me. It made me be close with my aunt.
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In addition, students accumulate lots of knowledge so they can make better future/ sure their future way. I believe that university is a place to offer more chances to experience what students process to experience what they want to do. They can have second thoughts about their future job or at least a certain field as they take different classes, not their major subjects. To take my friend as an example, her major was economics. Her university allowed students to take other classes regardless of fields. After she took a nursing class, she decided to change her major. However, her school didn’t have nursing school, so she tried to take a test to enter other school. She always said that she is happy about studying what she wants to and if she didn’t take the nursing class, she would have hesitated to get a job.
To sum up with, taking classes in various fields is really important for students to broaden their thoughts and to decide their future. Also, students can try what they want to by as using their opportunities that what university allows them to do. The time spent in university is very important because it could make students’ lives different.
전반적으로 탄탄한 근거를 만드는 것이 우선인 것 같습니다. 논리적인 흐름도 생각하시면서 글을 쓰시는 것도 글의 흐름을 바로 잡는 데 도움이 될 것입니다. 수고하셨습니다~ |