▶ Your Answer :
Opinions might be divided over 1. whether it is better for children to have a job. that People from different walks of life may have different stance on this issue. Personally, 2. I believe that it is more desirable for children to choose a job that are similar to their parents(,) and there are two reasons that could validate my position. 1번 문장과 2번 문장만 읽으면 마치 다른 토픽에 대해 이야기하고 있는 것 같네요. 보충 설명이 필요하겠습니다.
The first point that I would like to make is that children can get a word of encouragement from their parents if they have a similar job to their parents while having a similar jobs with their parents they can get a word of encouragement from their parents. Unlike those in the past, parents parent's are not authoritative but are on friendly to their kids terms with their kids. They can have more honesty talks with their sons and daughters(,) and give some valuable advices on their children’s concern at work providing parents opportunity to offer valuable advice on their children's concern at their job.(아마도 이 것이 부모님과 나누는 대화를 꾸며주는 역할을 하려고 했던 것 같은데 오히려 unclear 하게 되었습니다.) Take my experience as an example. After a year at my work my first year of job, I started to lose losing my confidence to succeed in my job (why? Can you explain further and give details?). My co-workers tried coo-workers tired to help me, but their effort did not help at all. It was my father who lent me a helping hand. Since his job was exactly same with mine, he could have realized what my problem was. He told me how he had overcome had faced the same problem when he was young in his job and explained how he successfully overcome it. (무엇 때문에 힘들었고 아버지가 주신 조언이 어떻게 작용했는지 detail 하게 다뤄주세요. 구체적인 정보가 없으면 결국 자기 자신만 이해하고 끝나는 글이 됩니다.) It was really useful and hit home. I was totally encouraged by his advice took courage from his advice and decided to do my best in my workplace. As a result, I completed a big business deal in the next month. Without my father’s parent's advice, I could not have successfully overcome my difficulties.
Another compelling reason is that if people choose a job that is related to their parent’s jobs, they can gain much more know-how and insight on their fields from their parents. (이것이 위에서 서술된 “격려/조언”과 어떻게 다를까요? 분명한 구분이 있어야 할 것입니다!) Parents can hand down their know-how/special skill…This education (?) can be done either at the dinner table or in front of television. Children gain knowledge that is not taught in the university. Therefore they can be more competitive in the job market. To illustrate, my aunt is a computer programmer(,) and she is the reason behind my cousin's success in her job because it is related with computer. Whenever she spent time with my aunt at home, my aunt brought up interesting topics related to computers. She learned a lot about computer programming through aunts "special lessons". And now she is famous for great worker at her job who contributes to her company by providing unique ideas. She says that if her mother was not an computer programmer, she couldn't have achieved such success in her job.
Conclusion 이 없습니다. 마지막까지 작성해주세요. 마침표가 없는 문장이 많이 보였습니다. 사소한 것이라도 주의해서 지켜주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 뒷받침해주는 내용이 전부 개인적인 내용이었습니다. 그나마 body2는 구체적이지만 body1은 구체적이지 않으니 improve 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고하셨습니다! ^^ |