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Education helps us to have live more comfortable life than even years ago. If we want to maintain or progress our lifestyle, like that we need to be educated .Thus, there are three main reasons; to get new experience or knowledge, to support the competition and to progress our technologies.
(문장간의 연결이 어떻게 이루어지고 있는 것인지 어떤 관계가 있는 것인지 잘 이해가 안되네요. Three main reasons of what? 뭐에 대한 세 가지 이유라는 건가요? 구체적인 설명 부탁드립니다.)
Nowadays, it is impossible to see the children who do not go to at school or college. They go to school to get new experience and to adapt the variety of subjects. Furthermore, they believe schools are the only place where they can earn deeper knowledge which give us those kinds of things. Where are we going to made a friends? Where can we learn a variety of subject? (academic writing 에서는 질문형으로 쓰지 않도록 주의해주세요) When we are young is better to spend our time at school, we are practicing to live in the real world. Imagine you do not go at school and you only go playing tennis in your whole life. (문장을 구성하는 요소들이 제대로 정리되지 않아서 의미 해석이 어렵습니다.) Probably when you are adult, you would be tennis´ player but you do not know basic knowledge as writing and reading. Do you think the society will accept you? (다시 한번요~ 질문형은 쓰지 않도록 해주세요.)
Our society is are very competitive to get a job and to enroll at university. Taking education is highly needed to survive in this fiercely competitive society (이 다음 내용은 교육이 필요한 이유가 경쟁을 부추기는 사회적 분위기임을 설득력있게 제시해주셔야 합니다.) Education depends on to survive those competition. The majority of companies want to have employees who are not educated as they want to create new products with new technology. (교육이 중요하다고 서술하셔야 하는 것 아닌가요? 교육받지 않은 사람들을 기업이 좋아한다는 이 문장은.. 어떻게 받아들여야 할까요?) That means, if you graduate the best university of the world like Harvard University (문장이 아직 완성이 안됐어요~ 가정까진 나왔어요~ ~하면! 그런데 ~하면 ~한다의 “~한다” 내용이 없습니다.). Obviously after graduating you can get good job. You will really love enter in that university, so you study harder than even before. But do you think that you are the only one who want to enter that university ? 글의 흐름이 제대로 이어지질 않네요. 인과 관계가 잘 드러나는 문장들도 아니고 문장 간의 어떠한 흐름으로 진행되고 있는 것인지 판단하기가 어렵습니다.
Our life has been improved have change a lot thanks to technological advance by advancing technology and have improved our life greatly. One of the biggest example is creation of cellphone, now we can communicate with large distant on everywhere and this is economic and quickly.Probably we can stop to advance technology, because we are causing a global warning as pollution and extinction of animal´s habitats. We are the strongest and greediest so any species can not oppose us. Thus , we arrive in limit place and we need to prevent or solve global warning. I believe that if we create new products as machine that can prevent or solve global warning. Our life would be the best and many scientists try find out it. (교육과 어떤 관련이 있는 것인지 의문입니다.)
To sum up, education is are the most important in our society since they are like an assistance of us. It gives us to adapt new experiences or knowledge, to survive on competition of the real world and to get a job or to apply at colleges.
글의 길이에 비해서 내용이 많이 부실합니다. 글의 흐름은 어떻게 흘러가고 있는 것인지 guess 하기도 쉽지 않습니다. 문장도 clear 하지 않기에 전반적인 내용 이해에도 어려움이 있습니다. 또한 기본적인 문법 사항도 실수가 많습니다. 모든 것을 한 번에 고칠 수는 없으니 하나하나 수정해나가시는 것이 좋겠습니다. 문장을 구성하시는 공부와 문법 공부를 차분히 해나가시면서 글을 써보심이 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고하셨습니다. |