▶ Your Answer :
It is often said that governments should invest more money into developing public transportation system rather than distributing the Internet distribution. However, I believe that they should spend more money to make the Internet more accessible for two reasons: the development of the Internet improves the quality of people's lives and enhances the economy of the country.
To begin with, the enhancement of the Internet accessibility can increase the quality of life. This is due to the fact that the Internet allows people to get information quickly and communicate with each other more easily. This is possible because huge amount of information is available on the internet stored in the Internet, and the information can be quickly transmitted to each computer around the world. Therefore, today's people can get information whatever they want and wherever they are with just one click of a mouse. According to a study conducted by Seoul National University of Korea in 2010, there was a significant difference between two groups of people when they were given a task to find out some specific expert knowledge: Group A was required to search for it through the Internet, and Group B was required to find out it only through books in a library. Interestingly, the amount of time that the former group spent to master it was 63 percent shorter than that of the latter group. This implies that the Internet makes it possible to find any information in a short period of time. (초록색으로 highlight 된 부분 보이나요? Get information quickly 와 communicate with each other 이 삶의 질 향상에 도움이 됨을 잘 보여주셔야 하는데 이번 문단에서는 get information 에 대해서는 어느 정도 설명이 되어있지만 communicate 에 대해선 아무런 내용이 없습니다. 하나를 아예 빼시는 것도 괜찮을 것 같습니다.)
In addition, the Internet can significantly improve the economy of the country. This is attributed to the fact that as the modern society is becoming increasingly competitive and globalized, specializing in Information Technology becomes necessary in order to survive among competitive global markets. Meanwhile, Information Technology is directly correlated to the Internet accessibility because the Internet access is essential for major technologies such as computers, social network service, search engines, and smart phones. Therefore, if the government focuses on making the Internet more accessible, they can significantly grow competitive power by developing Information Technology. According to a study conducted by The Ministry of Economy of Korea in 2011, India, which was used to be a poor country 15 years ago, rated tenth in largest GDP among OECD countries. The researchers reported that Information Technology field took up more than 60 percent of the total GDP of India. This implies that increasing the accessibility of the Internet can guarantee the growth of economy. (제시하신 객관적 자료는 아주 유용합니다. 그러나 information technology 가 어떻게 경제발전에 영향을 주게 되었는지 구체적인 내용이 없어서 아쉽습니다.)
In brief, although the development of public transportation can provide convenience, the government should spend much more money improving Internet accessibility. This is because the Internet can make people's lives and the country's economy better.
표현자체는 깔끔하게 잘 하십니다. 다만 몇가지 내용 보충만 있으면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고하셨습니다~ |