▶ Your Answer :
If I should change one important thing about my hometown, I will build a college for my hometown. It is because people in my hometown, rural area, are too old and there is nothing to do aside from farming I live in rural area, so most citizen are too old, and we don't have a job without agriculture. Therefore, I would build a college and develop my downtown. I admire to build a college for two main reasons: population, job (사실 이 내용 이렇게 길게 쓰실 필요없이, 단순하게 I will build a college for my home town to create more jobs and (population 에 관해서는 어떻게 하시겠다는 것인지 잘 모르겠네요..))
Above all, to develop my downtown, we have to attract people to come to my downtown. (why? 위에서도 나이든 사람들밖에 없다고 했는데 굳이 사람들을 많이 끌어들여야 하는 이유가 뭔지를 써주시고 왜 하필 사람들을 오게 하는 방법이 대학을 설립하는 것인지도 써주세요.) Accordingly college is good method to live people in town. Because, students of college have to live near by college, besides, they learn high education to help after graduate, they might to be good resource in town. As time goes by, college provide town with high-quality human resources. Actually, cities which have a college are crowed by people. (정확히 어떤 흐름인지 모르겠습니다. 본인 지역의 청년들/젊은층이 대학에 진학하기 위해서 도시로 많이 떠났다던가 하는 관련있는 문장들이 나와줘야 할 것 같습니다.)
Not only college provides downtown with population, (college 가 population 을 제공하는 것은 아니지 않을까요? 인구를 모으는 데 도움이 될 수 있다 정도로만 쓰시면 될 것 같습니다. 그런데 이 내용이 굳이 body 2까지 이어질 필요는 없습니다.) but also college can create make a job. Once college starts, college needs a lot of employee: professor, staff, cleaning lady, etc. Therefore college would recruit my downtown people. Furthermore, nearby commercial sphere stimulate,(?) college helps town to develop economically. Generally, most major economic cities have has college too.
To conclude, my hometown is a nice place to live in some ways, but it would be much nicer if we have had college. We would be more easy to get a job(,) and don't have to concern about labor force. For these reasons, if I should have a chance to change my downtown, I will construct college.
글 전반적으로 본인이 사는 지역에 왜 대학이 필요한지를 구체적으로 understandable 한 근거와 함께 제시해주셔야 합니다. 이전 글에서 말씀드린 바와 같이 문장을 구성하시는 연습이 많이 필요할 것 같습니다. Clear 하게 전달하고자 하는 의미를 드러낼 수 있도록 문장 쓰는 연습을 우선 충분히 해주세요~ 수고하셨습니다! |