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Along with the striking advancement of the humanity, people benefit from material affluence that has heightened the status quo. The divisive issue is now popular among the general public. Naturally, people who have grown up in growing different surrounding have different perceptions towards it. (여기까지의 서술과 뒤에 이어지는 문장의 관련성은 없어보이며 자연스럽게 연결되지도 않았네요. 추가적인 문장을 넣어주시는 것이 자연스러운 글의 흐름에 좋겠습니다.) Many are claiming that all university students have to attend class, while others demand otherwise. Personally, I believe that it should be upon students to decide whether going to class or not students in university should do optional to go class. The bases are mainly as follows. First, university is not high school that teaches students elementary human life as well as university students need out campus activity.
Without a doubt, there is no other line of reasoning, which that is more essential than the following: University is not a high school. High schools teach their students basics knowledge to pile up students’ rudimentary knowledge. One the other hand, it is absolutely that university teaches their students more professional skill and deeper knowledge more deep skill and knowledge. This is because university is where students who want to learn more go. For this these reason schools do not have to compel students attend the classes. According to the Ministry of education of Korea in 2011, in their curriculum curiculrum plan (their 이라고 함은 무엇을 가리키는 것인가요?) students obtain all their general knowledge in high school. In addition university has to teach more expertise knowledge. And in their survey by university students, whether they attend the class that they do not want or attend freely, students who participated in class they want show high score in their school life and do well in their future job place. (문장 정확하게 다시 써보시는 것이 좋을 것 같네요. 조사 내용은 무엇이었고, in their survey 라는 말에서 their 은 무엇이며, 학생들의 대답은 무엇인지까지요. 학생들에게 질문한 내용은 수업에 참여해야 하나에 대한 것이었는데 학생들의 대답은 “수업에 참여한 사람이 높은 성적을 받는다” 뭐 이런 말인가요? 다시 한번 문장 써보세요.)
전반적으로 grammatical error 가 많습니다. 수 일치 하는 부분 꼼꼼히 다시 살펴보세요.
Conceivably, an additional basis abides in the actuality that out-campus activity is more important than some classes. Since it is important that students prepare their future skills and develop personal network, they need out campus activity rather than attend all classes. For example, my older sister, when she was university students, university believe that students should be expertise person by their class program. (여기도 문장이 제대로 쓰여지지 않았네요~ my older sister 이라는 주어를 받아주는 동사가 없습니다. 다시 한번 문장 정리해보세요.) Thus university required students to attend all classes. However, my sister could not do that because she had many things that she wanted to do, which were to have a part-time job and to participate volunteer activity. This hope made her take part time job and participate in volunteir program. Naturally, she did not attend classes except for her major class. By doing so, she made make many friends and developed her skill needed to pursue her career. Thus, she told me now these habitual made me now. (본인의 생각과 예시를 잘 정리해서 문장으로 표현해주세요.)
Subsequent to mulling over this query, I have finally come to grasp that it is good to go to class depending on students’ will optional classes. However, everything has two sides, and in order for disadvantages not to prevail, we should exercise caution and moderation. It is clear that there are many underlying causes for this depressing occurrence, and that the individuals and the nation are negatively affected by it. For this reason, something should be done to address it. More assuredly, if individuals, schools and government, work hand in hand, this unfavorable incidence could be solved. (이거 어떤 의도로 쓰신 건가요? 아직 글 전반적인 내용을 요약 정리하는 것이 마무리 되지 않았습니다. 그리고 글 내용과의 연관성을 모르겠습니다.)
No.1 님~ 글 잘 읽어보았습니다. 한 가지 의문스러운 것은 사용하시는 단어 수준에 비해서 문법과 작문 실력이 조금은 부족하다는 것입니다. 단어 공부에만 너무 몰두하셨다면 이제는 문법과 문장을 구성하시는 연습도 충분히 해주셔야 할 것 같습니다. 수고하셨습니다~
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