Compared to the era of 1950's, the 21st century has developed incredibly in all fields. Among them, especially, space exploration has been advanced more than ever before. However, some argue that the money spend on space exploration should be instead used to solve earth's problem. In spite of the fact that there are ample amounts numbers of people who are against spending money on space exploration, I strongly contend that government should keep on supporting space exploration for two reasons.
First of all, we need to enhance our space fields because the resources in earth are limited. Supportive sentence 써주세요~ Soon the mankind will be lack of resources so we need to explore outer space in order to get new ones. 앞 문장의 내용과 달라진 것이 없네요~ expound 되었다거나 하는 변화가 없다면 이 문장은 굳이 필요하다고 생각되지 않습니다. According to the data announced by bureau of natural resource, the amount of petroleum that is remained is expected to aid humankind only for 70 years. Although there are some new energy sources like solar energy and wind power energy, they cannot substitute the entire usage of petroleum. Thus, we don't have any choice but to find new energy sources and this will most likely to be found in outer space. <제가 밑줄 친 부분을 구체적으로 설명해주셔야 할 것 같습니다.. 어떻게 새로운 에너지가 우주에서 나온다는 증거가 필요할 것 같습니다 ^^>
Secondly, the total population of mankind is increasing persistently. Hence, we need more space to use and live. 문장 순서를 바꾸면 정확하게 원인과 결과가 나올 것 같네요~ need more space to use and live. 왜냐면 인구가 증가하니까~ 라는 순서로요! To be specific, the announcement made by the Stanford's statistics department, the mankind's population is expected to grow up to 7 billion. Because of the medical improvement, more and more people are able to live longer than before and this results in population boom. Unless there is another space to utilize and live, the earth will be crowded with stupendous amount of people. 우주를 개발하고 그곳에서 사람이 살 수 있을 정도가 되려면 계속적인 연구가 필요하다 등의 보충내용들이 나와줘야 할 것 같네요.
To sum up, due to the upsurge of population and scarcity of resources, space exploration is inevitable tasks for mankind to achieve. Even if there are a lot of problems in earth to solve, space exploration should be the first homework that mankind should solve and it might solve problems in earth in a way that we could not expected.
전반적으로 본인의 idea 는 드러나고 있지만 내용면에서 구체적으로 서술하셔야 할 부분들은 여전히 있습니다. 글 쓰실 때 항상 유의하시고 연습하시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고하셨습니다~ |
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