▶ Your Answer :
I am convinced that it is better for governments to invest money on arts than athletics. There are two reasons why I feel this way. One reason for my argument is that governments would gain more profits/ get more profits financially. The other reason is that most of artists have difficulties in getting supporters (를 말씀하시는건가요?) supports. 처음이신 데 비해서는 잘 쓰셨습니다. 조금 더 실력이 느시면 이 인트로에 살을 조금 붙여서 쓰시는 것도 좋습니다.
First of all, governments will be able to earn more money. This is because becuase arts is a great source to attract more tourists/ the most biggest reason when tourists choose countries. For example, I travelled Sweden, Italy and Netherland on my own last summer. At that time, I had to decide which countries I would go. I considered architecture and literature as the most important factors. The relics are unusual in Asia. So, I thought that there would be a lot of Asian asians tourists in Europe Euroup. Surprisingly, the countries were not only filled with Asians, but also Euroupians and Americans. I realized that culture can make much money. 여행을 갈 때 architecture 과 literature 만을 보고 여행지를 정한다는 것은 지극히 개인적인 문제인 것 같습니다. 조금 더 일반화된 내용으로 문단 구성하시면 좋을 것 같습니다.
Secondly, it is more harder for artists to earn money/ to support their lives than athletes do to be given supports than athletics. Why do you think so? Supportive sentence 써주세요~ As I am majoring in fine art, I know a lot of artists. They told me that "quit art unless you are into art." This means that living as an artist is difficult financially. Although some companies and religions provide provied them with workplace, that is not enough. 내용 전환이 갑자기 이루어지다 보니 연결이 끊어지게 됩니다. Besides, young talented athletes atletics talented can have some opportunities. 무슨 기회를 말씀하시는 건가요? 구체적으로 써주세요~ On the other hand, young artists don't have enough chance. This situation makes them discouraged and quit their way to become an artist. But governments should remember that 이 문장의 필요성을 별로 느끼지 못하겠습니다.. athletics span is short but artist is not, even after death. Thus, I claim that investment in art is more effective for future.
In conclusion, for the above reasons, I strongly agree with the statement that supporting arts than athletes atlecits is desirable.
Typographical error 가 많습니다. 주의를 기울여주시길 바랍니다. 그리고 문장 전개하는 데 있어서 자연스럽지 못한 부분들도 많고, 굳이 필요하지 않은 문장도 종종 보였습니다. 항상 논리를 따져가면서 글을 쓰시는 연습이 필요합니다. 수고하셨습니다.
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