Humans have improved the quality of their lives thanks to the development in science.
However, the most significant and remarkable changes have already happened.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Some people say that humans have improved the quality of their lives thanks to the development in science, and the most significant changes have already happened. They insist that some inventions like airplanes or computers have brought the most significant results in our lives. However, I don't (do not으로 풀어주는 것이 더 좋습니다. is not, cannot 등도 마찬가지입니다. 단어수에도 보탬이 되겠지요^^) think the most remarkable changes have happend yet; actually, I don't think that the term of "most significant" can really exist in science. Many scientists are still making significant progresses everyday, and no one can really predict what is going to happen in the future.
To begin with, science is full of new ideas; science has changed the wolrd in many different ways, and these changes are still happening today, right now. Therefore I don't think it is fair to say that the most significant changes have already happened. The news still bring those new remarkable results that people have made everyday. So, (So, But으로 시작하는 구어적 표현보다는 Therefore, However, Hence 등 가능한 문어체 표현을 써 주는 것이 좋습니다.) in science, it is hard to define what is most significant when the world is still changing, moving forward every minute. 과학이라는 분야에서 새로운 변화는 매일같이 일어나고 있기 때문에 significant change가 이미 다 일어났다고 볼 수 없다는 주장은 논제에 부합합니다. 이에 대한 설명 역시 잘 제시되어 있습니다. 논지를 강화할 수 있도록 나의 주장을 뒷받침해줄 수 있는 예증 사례, 즉 경험담이나 연구결과, 보도자료 등을 가공해서 덧붙여준다면 더 좋은 점수를 받을 수 있습니다.
In addition, nowadays, the world is turning into a speedy world, and we can't predict what will be happening tomorrow. 바로 사례를 제시하기 전에 내 주장이 설득력있게 받아들여질 수 있도록 더 구체적인 설명을 보완해주세요. fast-paced society에서 내일을 예측할 수 없는 것이 왜 중대한 발견은 모두 이루어졌다는 내용에 대한 반박이 될 수 있는지 구체적인 설명이 더 필요합니다. Let me use my experience as an example. About an year ago, I bought a fourth-generation ipod. It had the camera function, and was much faster than the previor previous one. I remeber how excited I was excited to own the newest technology. However, the exciting moment didn't last long. Just a few months later, the company Apple brought up the newer and better products. I was pretty disappointed to be put backward. 함께 묶을 필요가 없는 문장이므로 문장 구분지어주세요. 과거의 경험이 이랬고 / 이것이 현재 말해준다, 하는 시간상 구분이 들어가는 것이 내용 전달에 더 적절합니다. but it This experience tells you that today, how no one can expect what will be new changes tomorrow. And those changes will be also very significant and remarkable in our history. Just because airplanes were invented first, we cannot can call it as the most important development in science, and make the future's changes not as significant.
In conclusion, although changes in science have always been significant, improving the quality of our lives, I don't think it is right to define any of these events as the most remarkable change. There are still many significant developments going on today, and there are more to come tomorrow that none of us can predict.
논제에 대한 나의 입장을 뒷받침하기에 타당한 근거들을 잘 생각해주셨습니다. 다만 body1의 예증 부분과 body2의 주장에 대한 구체적인 설명 부분이 보완된다면 더 좋겠습니다. 내용에 살을 더 붙여서 보완해주시고 분량 만들어주세요. 단어들 역시 같은 단어의 반복적인 사용 대신 다양한 단어를 활용해서 글을 구성해준다면 좋겠습니다^^ 코멘트 참고하셔서 내용 수정보완해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!