Agree or disagree?
Your job has more effect on your happiness than your social life does.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
There are lots of things make people happy and excited. Among these, definitely people’s social life is essential for their happiness. However, people’s career job has a greater influence on them compared to their personal relationship with others.
To begin with, earning money can make people happy. In today’s society, most people’s goal is becoming rich. The only way that people can get wealth is from their jobs. Companies grant wages to their employees usually based on employees’ hard working and productivity. Therefore, if one works hard, he or she can become wealthy which may make him or her excited. The job makes people feel satisfied as well because of their great work achievement. 직업이 행복에 더 큰 영향을 미친다는 나의 입장은 서론에서 이미 밝혔으므로 body에서는 더 구체적인 설명이 될 수 있도록 job이 '어떻게' 사람을 행복하게 하는지에 대해 보여주는 것이 좋습니다. 즉, 단순히 돈을 벌면 행복해진다, 하는 것이 아니라 직업을 통해 버는 돈과 성취감으로 행복해질 수 있다, 처럼 문단의 핵심내용을 보여주는 문장을 보여주면 나의 주장을 더 clear하게 전달할 수 있습니다. For example, my brother’s dream was to buy a fancy car. Thus, he did lots of part time jobs and got a career just after the graduation from the university. Even though he did not have a close relationship with others, earning money form from the job made him get interests of happiness interested.
On the top of that, work hours take a major part of one’s daily life. Normally, one third of people’s routine is working, and there is almost no time for them to enjoy leisure with friends. However, doing the job which people love to do may bring happiness to them. As a result, actually the work is not too troublesome and stressful if people enjoy it. 직업이 일상생활에서 큰 부분을 차지하고 있다는 내용은 주장을 뒷받침하기에 적절한 내용입니다. 좋아하는 일을 택하는 것이 행복에 큰 영향을 미치는 이유는 일이 하루의 대부분을 하기 때문이라는 점을 더 잘 보여줄 수 있도록 인과관계를 밝히는 방식으로 서술하는 것도 좋겠습니다. For instance, my father, a great car maniac, has a great passion and interest in his job, a car engineer. Therefore, although his work hours always more than ten hours a day and do he does not have any much free time, he feels happy. 주장을 뒷받침하기에 알맞은 내용의 사례입니다. 이러한 사례가 주장과 관련해서 어떤 점을 보여주는지 해석하는 문장을 덧붙여서 문단 마무리지어주세요.
It We cannot deny that there are some benefits in a social life. Without a social life, people may feel lonely and bored. However, in my opinion, the job has more influences on people’s happiness than the relationship with others. This is because people entertain while earning money and doing what they love to do.
전반적으로 논리적 흐름이 잘 드러난 글입니다. 논제에 대한 나의 입장을 뒷받침하기에 타당한 근거들을 잘 생각해주셨습니다. 주장에 대한 설명과 논제에 살을 더 붙여서 분량을 더 만드는 것도 좋을 것 같습니다. 잘 쓰셨어요^^
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task / 적절한 설명 appropriate explanation / 적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details / 일관성, 단계적 구성 unity, progression, coherence / 다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety / 적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity의 여섯가지 항목이 주로 채점의 기준으로 사용되니 참고하세요.
코멘트 참고하셔서 내용 수정보완해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!