In the 1900s, most
of the young student’s dream was getting
(to be) employed and earn money. Then, as time goes
(went) by, people’s life has got improved and lots of student’s goal
has been changed. Recently, lots of
students study hard for better grade in order to enter the better university or
college. At this point, I believe (that the only thing)
these young students want (is) for the entrance
of (acceptance to) university is all because of the following 3 reasons;
they can enhance their ability of the
(in) particular subject they’ve chosen,
challenge themselves by studying deeply
in advance, and in the future(,) they can get their career (getting a job) easily.
First, by
attending university or college, students can study more deeply on one’s
interested subject. By studying on
one particular subject in more advanced way
(in-depth), the student can be more professional
on the subject and develop the student’s
(his) intelligence. In
(from) the elementary to high school, they were
required to learn the whole subject no matter (what)
they want or not. However, unlike these schools, in the university, they
are able to develop what they are interested in. At this point since they learn
what they want to know, it would be more helpful for them and they can learn
with more passion.
Also, since they
learn about particular subject in more advanced level they can get more
opportunity to learn from skilled professors in the university and can have new
experience. Professors in University don’t just teaches students but
they also study more by themselves (conduct research) and every year, they write several reports (papers)
about the particular subject which has the
result of what they’ve studied (containing
the result of their studies) and worked
on for each year. So the students who’ve got
taught (learned) from these
professors can get higher chance to learn in
(reach) deeper way
(into the subject) and be more acknowledgeable
on that field. Also, for instance(,) during (a) science experience
(experiment), with
better qualified experimental apparatuses, they can have diverse
kinds of experience and learn in more active way (with with
better qualified experimental apparatuses).
Last, the student
who attended university can get their
(decide / search for / etc. but not Get) career
in the future more easily. As you can
know from the first and second reason, the students who graduated university
would probably be more knowledgeable. For the most of the cases, the companies
employ the ones more (that are) smart(er)
and (more) knowledgeable. At this point(,) if applicant has graduated university it would be
the best evidence to prove the applicant’s academic ability.
In conclusion,
university has lots of benefits such as having opportunity to study in more
advanced way, get (delivering) more chance to learn from skilled
professors, and be easier (making it easier for the students) to get (be) employed.
So I believe (that) in recent society, attending
university can help ones to success and have stable community
life.
(내용은 -composition, transition, and the sentences- 잘 쓰셨는데 자잘한 문법 실수가 보입니다. Although some
expression might not be as smooth as what the reader would expect from a
skilled writer like you, I think TOEFL graders will read into it just fine.)