I agree with the given statement.
People have a lot of things in their mind which they don't let others know. That is mostly because the circumstances are not always favorable to their points of view and they care about whether or not their thoughts are properly considered. There are a few examples to see to explain this.
동의하신다는 표현을 paragraph에 섞어서 써주세요. 그냥 동의한다 라고 쓰시는 것 보다 topic에서 주어진 단어와 표현을 사용해서 글쓴이의 의견을 정확하게 말씀해주시는 게 좋아요. Topic을 보지 않고도 이 글이 무엇에 대해 이야기하고 있는지 알 수 있게요.
We don't often see those people who claim that he or she does not believe in the existence of god that often. Other than the fact it could be offensive depending on the way one says it but also being an Atheist is considered sinful in some societies is also problematic for them. Just to talk about some of those strong Christian communities in America could be a good example. Atheists are not accepted in such circumstances; therefore, they are not speakable.
파란색으로 된 부분은 문장을 이해하기 어려워요. 전체적인 문장 구성에 수정이 필요합니다. 문장을 너무 길게 쓰시려 하지 마시고 중간중간에 끊어주세요. 미국의 Christian community에 대한 문장이 paragraph의 앞부분으로 나오는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 그 뒤에 하나님을 믿지 않는 atheist들이 문제 라는 것을 써 주시면 되요.
Communism in the democratic society could be another one. It is a bit exotic example but still considerable. In South Korea, there are such some people who suggest unification of North Korea and South Korea upon the communistic idea. It surely is the unacceptable thing in the democratic country so anyone who exclaims such ideas could be arrested, therefore not speakable as well.
There were huge arguments between Earth-centered universe model and Sun-centered universe model in the ancient era when Science didn't make sense as much as it does now. Furthermore, it was people in the ancient era were very dependent of religious ideas from those churches and priests so scientists who make made a suggestion that opposes those ideas could be were harshly dealt treated, with even with death penalty. Therefore, people were obviously not speakable.
Other than these reasons, people just don't claim their opinions just to avoid any kind of conflicts. It is basically like they have too many reasons not to do so.
Paragraph들끼리 더 부드럽게 이어질 수 있도록 transition words들을 잘 사용해주시는 게 좋을 것 같습니다. Opinion에 대한 example들은 매우 좋아요. 하지만 설명을 하시면서 문장을 너무 길게 쓰시다 보니 clarity가 많이 떨어집니다. 짧고 간결한 문장이더라도 to the point로 정확하게 설명 해 주시는 게 좋아요. 문장을 너무 길게 쓰려하지 마시고 나눠서 여러 문장을 쓰시는 것도 하나의 방법입니다. 그리고 conclusion이 좀 약해요. 에세이 전체를 정리하는 conclusion paragraph를 만들어 주세요. 앞에서 말한 example들을 1~2문장으로 정리하고 글쓴이의 opinion을 한번 더 정확하게 써주시는 게 좋아요. 수고하셨습니다.