▶ Your Answer :
For the last fifty years, television has been widely spread from home to home and has become the most important means of entertainment. Almost every household has one or two television(,) to watch for various programs such as news and soap operas. To attract more viewers, broadcast companies sometimes produce violent and unethical programs. It is true (that) these programs have negative effects on children. However, watching television is not always detrimental to children, but it is helpful for them(,) because television has many educational programs(,) and children can relieve stress by watching interesting programs.
특별히 잘못된 것이 있는 intro 는 아니지만 상대적으로 다른 문단에 비해서는 길이가 긴 편입니다. Body 의 내용을 보충해주시던가 intro 의 길이를 줄이시면 좋겠습니다. 기왕이면 전자가 나을 것 같네요~ ^^
To begin with broadcast companies, they are keep on producing useful educational programs for the children. (supportive sentence 주세요~~) For example, documentary films are one of good programs for the children to gain their knowledge. And up-to-date news is also good source of learning programs on the television. Watching news programs on the television helps children (to) know what is happening in the world and study about the things that they don’t know. For example, AIDS is a hot issue around the world. I once watched news focusing on AIDS problems in Africa. (이야기하다 마는 듯한 느낌이 드네요~ ^^ 끝까지 써주세요!)
In addition, children relieve stress by watching television. Today there are so many kinds of television programs like singing and dancing. (Stars are on the television and they sing and dance singing and dancing,) (this is unnecessary sentence since you mentioned it already) Children can learn trend by watching those shows listen to that songs and learn these days trend and talk to their friends about these things. Sports programs are also educational programs(,) (ß 이런 내용들은 이미 앞 문단에서 논의되었어야 할 내용입니다. 여기서는 stress 를 해소하는 데에 초점을 맞춰서 써주세요) because boys are interested in the sports (스포츠 프로그램이 educational program 이라고 말씀하시는 이유가 boys are interested in the sports 라고 하셨는데 그리 설득력있는 주장은 아닌 것 같습니다) and while they are watching sports programs they can relieve the stress. (ß sports program 의 어떤 부분들이 스트레스를 해소하는데 도움을 준다는 것인지 구체적인 부분들을 살려서 설명해주세요)
In conclusion, television is very useful to children. Documentaries and news programs give useful knowledge to them. Also, children relieve stress while watching interesting programs. Therefore, television gives children good influence rather than harmful effects more good than harm.
Comment 해드린 내용 참고하셔서 글을 전반적으로 손을 보시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 내용도 많이 보충해주시구요~ 수고하셨습니다! ^^ |