▶ Your Answer :
More and more students are trying to get into college. Why do they want? (academic writing 에서는 질문형 문장 삼가해주세요~) Different people decide it (decide what? Please clearly show what you mean.) so far for many different reasons. What I believe the most common reasons are like following: gaining more knowledge and skills(,) and getting better job and experience. (knowledge 와 skill을 하나로 묶으신 것은 이해가 되는데 job 과 experience는 통일성을 지키시는 데 쉽지 않을 수도 있습니다.)
To begin with, college is the only place to be sophisticated person. (why do you think so? The answer for this question will be your supportive sentence.) According to the study From the study, students build up deeper and wider increase their knowledge and have deep understanding of the world around them in universities. Learning the knowledge is obviously the most essential part of college. By this, campus life can make your life richer more rich and more colorful colourful than ever before. You can broaden your horizons with connect value (?) and enhance your skills. (내용이 좀 짧습니다. 내용을 보충해주세요~)
Another reason why people want to attend college is because of stiff job competition. In this era, to acquire a decent job, people you should have ability work really hard. (열심히 일해야한다 는 적절하지 않죠~ 지금 대학을 다니는 이유를 말하는거니까 좋은 직장을 구하기 위해서는 특별한 능력이 있어야 한다 등의 내용이 나와야 supportive sentence 가 될 수 있겠죠.) One of requirement of companies is college degree and thus, actually, attending school is pretty helpful to get future job/ career. All of school assignments are highly connected to practical situation is connect with real work. Students will learn how to make a goal, how to research(,) how to build your idea to real world from the school life. Also, by attending the school, people you can learn about working environment by taking part in a work position such as an internship or a project between school and cooperation.
Furthermore, you can get a wonderful experience in your life. People can easily meet lots of friends coming In this time of school, you are able to meet new and great people from different hometown. For the most of students, college would be the first chance to meet unfamiliar people/ a variety of people experience is the first time of chance to meet a persons (a 와 persons 는 어울리지 않죠?) who are very unfamiliar in your life. They are usually smart and have their own know-how to live, so it should be fun to meet them. (사람을 만나는 건 즐거워야한다? Should 는 적절하지 않은 것 같네요. So it must be fun to meet and learn new life styles.. 이런 식으로 써줄 수 있겠죠.) At the same time, you can get pure pleasure about study what you like which is awesome event. (?) By this process, you can become cultured by various learning. Also, for many people, it might be the last chance to study another subjects that have no relative with their future job.(이번 문단의 끝나는 부분만 보셔도 계속 idea가 더해지고 있음을 느끼실 수 있을 것입니다. 처음 두, 세 문장의 내용을 expound 하시면서 narrow it down 하셔야 합니다.)
이번 문단은 큰 실수를 하셨네요~ wonderful experience 라는 첫 문장과는 어울리지 않게 계속 “사람을 만나는 것”에 대해서만 논하셨어요~ ㅠㅠ 많은 사람들을 만나면서 간접경험을 얻을 수도 있다 라는 맥락으로 사용하시는 편이 나을 듯 합니다. 아니면 첫 문장부터 많은 관계를 쌓을 수 있다 등으로 시작하시면 좋겠네요.
All in a word, people who attend college or university are preparing for their better future.
문장을 구성하시는 연습을 꾸준히 해주셔야 할 것 같습니다. 내용을 논리적으로 쓰는 연습도 필요하지만 일단은 문장이 매끄러워야합니다. 위에서도 언급했지만 Intro 에서는 하나로 묶으셨던 to get better job 과 experience 가 본론에서는 따로 서술하셨네요. 이 부분도 수정해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고하셨습니다~ |