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People in modern world have a tendency to prepare too much for everything We live in an age when people seem to be over-prepared about everything. (앞 문장과 뒤에 이어지는 문장의 연결이 매끄럽지 못합니다. 현대 사회의 사람들의 경향을 말씀하시다가 갑자기 초등학교로 내용이 넘어가네요?) Since elementary school, Board of Education does its best to help students find their interest and passion. From there, students follow rigorous curriculum that is specifically set for their career path. (문장 정리가 필요할 것 같습니다. 제가 나름 문장을 수정해보려했지만 전반적으로 무엇을 전달하고자 하는 것인지 잘 모르겠습니다.) According to a prominent newspaper, more than 40 percent of students start to take specific courses for their major from high school. I believe that these things are unnecessary(,) and students should get more chance to explore different fields out there, rather than just focusing on one subject(,) for two crucial reasons: students can find their true passion with abundant knowledge in different subjects(,) and general studies provide students with fun way to recharge their brain from repetitive courses related to major.
First, students get to know many different kinds of field, so they may be able to fully understand what major suits them the best. Thus, they can be more confident about the career they are going in for. In other words, a chance to learn general studies at an early age prevents students from regretting their decision on major later that the major of their choice is not right for them. For example, my cousin wanted to be a doctor since the age of 7. Because she was sure certain about her choice, she did not even consider or look into other area of studies. However, when she actually majored in medical field, she found out that there are many things that are is different from what she thought. When she wanted to change her major, she had a great trouble since she had no idea about other majors. (자신의 근거과 그것을 support 해주는 문장이 clear 하게 드러나있지는 않은 글인 것 같습니다. 생각을 정리하실 필요가 있으며 문단의 통일성을 염두해주시고 문장 간의 관계도 살펴보시는 연습이 필요해보입니다.)
Second, students would refresh their mind by studying other subjects taking elective classes provides students a little break from major related classes. Taking similar courses every time can be boring for students (and lower the efficiency) bore students in class. A deviation from major provides not only a fun way to recharge drained energy from repetitive learning material, but it also helps them gain concentration back. According to the Ministry of Education of Korea in 2010, the students who were are taking elective classes such as music and art performed significantly better higher than those who were are not. The latter group frequently dozed off during the lecture, whereas former group had better concentration in every subject. This implies that general classes can be helpful for students to focus and prevents them from getting easily bored about their majors. (이번 문단이 앞의 문단보다는 더 잘 정리되어있다고 생각합니다. 이런 내용의 경우 학업의 효율성을 글의 방향으로 잡으셔도 좋을 것 같습니다.)
In conclusion, some argue that school should only teach the class that is related to students' major(,) because learning teaching something irrelevant can be waste of time and inefficient. However, I believe that, with the advantages mentioned above, the courses which are not closely related to their majors that are outside of students' major can be a great way to offer students with more opportunities to find their interest(,) and greater possibility to perform better in class. For these reasons, I disagree with the premise that school should teach students only the materials that is related to their major.
전반적으로 글을 다듬으실 필요는 있을 것 같습니다. 한 문단 안에 너무 많은 idea 가 들어가지 않도록 주의하시고 논리적 순서에 맞게 쓰시는 연습도 해주세요! 다른 문단들에 비해 intro 가 상대적으로 깁니다. 길이의 균형도 맞춰주시면 좋겠네요~ 수고하셨습니다! |