▶ Your Answer :
Doing sports activities is very important Practicing sports is very importance in childhood. However, to spend too much time for sports activities is not good for children because there are other things to do people spend their time for many things such as study, learning instruments and learning other language. (근거로 내세우시는 것이 하나인가요? 하나정도는 더 필요할 것 같습니다.)
Firstly, although enjoying sports sporting is very important to keep people's health, spending too spend to much time is not good. (why? 이미 Intro 에서 이 부분은 분명하게 제시하셨어요~ 그 이유를 써주는 것이 body 입니다! 첫 문장 다시 써주세요~) (please write your supportive sentence here before this sentenceà)When I was an elementary school student, I went to swimming pool every morning. I could be healthy and I was able to focus on my other works, such as study, playing piano and learning English. I just spent one hour for the sports. One day I wanted to swim more than one hour, so I swam swim too much time(,) and then but the next day I could not go to the swimming pool because my muscle had some trouble. For that reason, I think that reasonable time is important for sports not too much. (전반적인 문단의 내용으로 보아, 장시간의 운동은 “역효과”를 가져올 수 있다 라는 문장이 핵심문장이 되면 좋을 것 같네요.) 내용부족,
Secondly, I think that people need to do many things in their childhood. We do not ignore that people learn something in their childhood. In other words, the younger people are, the easier to learn (차라리 이 문장이 첫 문장으로 가고, supportive sentence 로는 아이들은 습득력이 뛰어나기 때문이다 등의 이유를 제시하시면 좋을 것 같습니다) if we learned something in their younger age they can learn the things more quickly and more smoothly. When I was middle school student, my friend, Su-ji, was able to speak English very fluently. I Me and my other friends always envied her and I asked her how she could speak English well to her the way to speak English. She answered that she learned English when she was childhood. For that reason, she could learn it English more quickly and her pronunciation prononciation was very similar simmilar to native speakers foreigner. However, I me and other friends who learned English in middle school firstly spent spend a lot of time to study English and it was is difficult to pronounce it correctly speak our prononciation simmilar to foreigner. (하나의 예시로 한 문단을 채워버리셨네요..ㅠ 예시는 예시일 뿐 문단의 전부를 차지하게 해서는 안됩니다. 더구나 제시하신 예시는 간단하게 2~3문장으로도 설명이 가능한 내용입니다.)
In a nut shell, although playing sports is important for children to keep their health to their childhood, I think that spending too much time on doing sports activities would rather give negative impacts to their body is not the best thing and they spend their time more efficiently.
전반적으로 본인의 생각을 뒷받침해주는 내용들이 약합니다. 자신의 idea 를 탄탄한 근거와 함께 쓸 수 있도록 연습이 필요합니다. 또한 typographical error 를 줄일 필요가 있으니 글을 쓰고 난 뒤에는 꼭 proofreading 을 해주시기 바랍니다.수고하셨습니다~ ^^ |