▶ Your Answer :
Some people claim that television hinders people from communicating ruin communication in their life, but, in my opinion, not only television helps us to communicate to each other in one another, but also television teaches us essential knowledge that we need (to live). For instance, I'm only child, so when I was young, I had a lot of time in house. But I could maintain nice communication. Because, I got the knowledge that I needed from television. (무슨 말씀이신가요? 결국엔 knowledge 가 의사소통하는 것과 관련된 지식인건가요? 또한 뒤에 이어져 나오는 내용들을 봤을 때 이 문장은 굳이 필요하다고 생각되지 않습니다.) I used to watch TV(,) and it TV taught me about how to communicate, a lot of knowledge: communication skill, up-to-date information(,) and weather forecast information, make things to think and talk about. (뭐가 make things to think and talk about 한다는 건가요? 설마 weather 이 그렇다는 건 아니겠죠? 의미를 clear 하게 전달하기 위한 문장 구성 연습이 많이 필요해보입니다.) Moreover people can get some topics to talk with family from television arranged family site to can talk (to can? 이런 것은 어떻게 해석해야할까요?) at night or weekend.
Above all, television programs give us knowledge. what do you do first after you wake up? (질문형 쓰지 마세요~) supportive sentence 가 와야하는 자리입니다. Almost people turn on op the TV. Because they need information, television gives them information: transportation, weather, up-to-even date information. Especially, when we get got bad disaster(:) like flood(,) and earthquake, TV shows what would be happen so that we can minimize losses/damages notice us coming disaster, so can reduce damage. People can fairly gain equal information through TV, and then It help society to communicate. (문장 흐름 다시 잡아보세요. 첫 문장과 두 번째 문장을 제대로 쓰시는 연습이 되어있어야 뒤에 내용들도 자연스레 뒤따라올 수 있음을 기억하시고 처음 두 문장에 신경쓰셔서 써보세요)
Not only TV gives us information, but also TV give us things to talk and think about. (why do you say so?) Moreover TV lets us share our opinions, encourage us to discuss our ideas with our friend and family, so we can and then we enjoy living our life without huge confusion. When we got big problem, election, or big sports show, television make us communicate in one another by broadcasting, and then TV helps us that we can solve very well. (상당히 내용 정리가 안 된 듯 합니다. Things to talk and think about 을 구체적으로 보여줄 수 있도록 쓰셔야 합니다. 단순히 communicate 이라는 한 단어로 끝내버리지 마시고 구체적으로 expound 해주세요)
To conclude, although TV programs would give negative influences to viewers due to violent scenes have a problems: violence, obscenity, but TV has a lot of benefits. When we watch programs that teach us, and (tv 를 볼 때 어떠한지를 써주세요. 지금은 위에서 언급하신 내용들이 나와주지 않았습니다.) we can get topics to discuss sometime want to share this themes. For these reasons, I prefer people to watch TV.
(내용면에서 계속 말씀 드렸는데요~ 구성이나 흐름도 손을 보셔야 하지만 문장 자체에도 신경을 써주셔야 합니다. 아무래도 지금 가장 먼저 되어야 할 것은 문장을 구성하는 연습인 것 같습니다. 수고하셨습니다~ |