Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? University athletic departments should receive the same amount of funding as university libraries. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
These days, sports take takes much part in people’s lives, so it is important then than ever before. Some people think that university athletic departments should receive the same amount of funding as university libraries, while others do not. In my opinion, it is essential that university athletic departments receive the same amount of funding as university libraries and there are two reasons why I think so. 주제와 나의 입장을 간결하게 잘 소개한 서론입니다. 내 입장에 대한 근거(본문에서 소개할 내용)를 간단하게 단어 수준으로 함께 언급하는 것도 좋겠습니다.
First of all, students can relieve their stress and they can study harder and concentrate concentrating more because they get healthy owing to the sports. 스포츠를 통해 어떻게 스트레스를 풀 수 있는지, 스트레스가 풀리면 공부에 왜 잘 집중할 수 있는지에 대한 설명을 단계적으로 풀어주세요. 내용의 흐름이 단계적으로 제시될수록 주장을 설득력있게 전달할 수 있습니다^^ As a result, students can get better grade on their exam than before. For example, when I joined a sport club last semester, I could can relieve my stress and I got good grade by studying much harder. It is important for students to relieve their stress. If they are so stressed out, they can’t concentrate on their study and the study will be less effective.
Also, students can make new friends by doing sports activities at in the gym. The relationship between students is very important as studying because students can learn from each other and help each other when they have some problems. In addition, meeting new people and making new friends are always happy. 스포츠를 통해서 어떻게 친구를 만들 수 있는지, 친구를 사귀는 것이 왜 중요한지에 대한 설명이 부족합니다. 이 부분들을 보완해서 내용의 연결고리를 만들어주세요. To be specific, when I joined a jazz club that the university sports center offers offer, I met many new friends there and we are still a good friends who share most of the many things together.
With the reasons mentioned above, I believe that university athletic department should receive same fund as libraries because they are important as the libraries. All things considered, I think that I have sufficiently and adequately explained my position on the matters regarding this topic.
전반적으로 논제에 대한 나의 입장을 뒷받침하기에 타당한 근거들을 잘 생각해주셨습니다. 다만 이 주장에 대한 구체적인 설명을 풀어내는 과정에서 연결고리가 부족하다는 느낌을 주지 않도록 내용을 보완해준다면 더 좋겠습니다. 주장에 대한 설명과 사례부분에 살을 더 붙여서 내용 보완해주시고 분량 만들어주세요. 단어들 역시 같은 단어의 반복적인 사용 대신 다양한 단어를 활용해서 글을 구성해준다면 좋겠습니다^^ 코멘트 참고하셔서 내용 수정보완해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!